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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Shivraj Patil versus Sardar Patel

It’s late evening. Shivraj Patil is walking down a tree-lined street in Lutyens Delhi. He has a confused expression on his usually serene face. Sonia Gandhi had earlier said to him, “Go home.” What did she mean? Was she relieving him of his porfolio? Or was she cheering his ministry? And more importantly, should he wear the dark-blue Bandhgala tomorrow or should it be the black one?

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C'mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You're pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (shakes his head) I'm a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I'd have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. "Home" minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj's spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil's gaffes (Economic Times).

57 comments:

Sauvik said...

Another masterpiece. I liked the anagram - "I said, "Hang on." Ha ha.

SRK said...

Boss, you are truly on your way to becoming King of Puns!

Count me in as one of your loyal subjects...

Smitha said...

oh that was hilarious! I think I read your posts almost as soon as you write them!

Saurabh Somani said...

brilliant!... one of the few things related to 26/11 that made me smile...

shubho sengupta said...

:)

Gireesh said...

"Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

:D :D :D :D :D

you like to make the ravanadoss out of Ramdoss..I look in every post/tweet to see a dig at Ban-it-ramdoss

Aldemen Tripe Loon said...

Brilliant! Keep them coming

vipinveetil said...

can't wait for the next one :)

K Subramanian @ work said...

Such stuff deserves more mass media attention - maybe a weekly column in the Independent (?)

Vishwas Krishna said...

Superb! I can't stop laughing. Especially, the "Go Home" thing.

Shyam said...

So very punny....!!

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks guys. It's much more fun when there are lots of comments.
And Subu, how about spreading the word and making this the mass media. (See, I still crave attention)

Rahul said...

Awesome!! So creative.. and so true! Loved the disclaimer at the end :)

Ramesh Srivats said...

Gireesh,
You are right man. I hate that guy. Because of him I have been lurking around only in private places for the last two months.

OnCloud9 said...

great writing!

krishashok said...

Take a bow. That was brilliant

Akshay said...

Great piece of writing. Every sentence dripping with sarcasm and echoing what we all want to express.

Also, don't miss the Jon Stewart segment on the blasts.

Panchajanya said...

Brilliant.....

kusublakki said...

Very well written...

Rahul Jauhari said...

ramesh. standing ovation.

Abhishek said...

You know what.. he should have been appointed textile minister. He would have fought recession in this sector atleast!
Great post.

donraja said...

Ramesh
I think this is my favorite of all your blogs. Hilarious.....loved the gandhi's advice 'be the change...' and of course the disclaimer of Shivraj's spine.....kickass..

kunal said...

a brilliant read, loved it :)
and how did you reach at that anagram of Sonia Gandhi? that was pure genius!

iyerdeepak said...

Great creativity !!
And every post has been raising the bar higher.

Sootra said...

Awesome! :D

Anks said...

really good !!

George said...

"I said hang on!!!!!" Wow! That's the finest one i've heard in some time!

Subramaniyan SSS said...

Great writing thalaivaa.

Hariharan Sriram said...

First visit to the site barely an hour ago and already a big fan. Awesome boss. You most certainly are putting the fight.

And at the cost of sounding preposterous, may I say that you are amongst the best MPs(Master of Puns) that we've got.

Gopinath Mavinkurve said...

That was too good! Great humor, Ramesh. Yes and Afzal should have been hanged...not because he attacked the parliament but because he did not complete his job!

What's In A Name ? said...

If Mr. Shivraj Patil is reading this he would find out that this post was "The Best a Man Can Get" ( considering the situation!). Brilliant to the core!!!!

FlotsaM said...

amazing blog capped with great humour

Rockus said...

Superb stuff man! Loved the "Hang On" part! :))

Ramsay said...

Your pieces are Oh! So Enjoyable. Can't wait to share them with others.
Ramsay
(hope I am able to post comment now)

JollyRoger said...

Cool!! Wish I can kick some ass around here

Elithraniel Arawion said...

Whoa! your amazing dude.. the anagram thingy was too funny.. :P

jatkesha said...

Take a bow! This was just too good!

Rohan said...

More than anything, it's your prolificacy that's astounding.

Amarnath said...

Simply great dude...u made me to laugh but aslo to think..Sardar Patel was really superb man..Shivraj is a dumb...

aativas said...

I know, it is supposed to be funny, but in the given circumstances I am bit ashamed of laughing. Haven't we made some persons 'scapegoat' on every such occassion and thought that we have punished the culprit.... and gave way for the next terrible thing to happen? No, I am not saying we should not laugh or smile .... but ... somehow...as if Shivraj Patil is no more home minister (he should not have been in the first place..) that terrorists will stop attacking us... sorry, for spoiliing the fun ...

Karthik Shetty said...

Awesome post, and very nice blog. It's nice to see fellow cynics and critics who don't blindly follow what the media make us believe about the politicos.

Anonymous said...

@ gopinath above: Yes and Afzal should have been hanged...not because he attacked the parliament but because he did not complete his job!

Lol.. could not agree more!!!

Great piece :) am forwarding to everyone I know!

- Arun

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks everybody.

LOL Gopinath.

aativas,
Agree with you that Shivraj's departure is not going to change anything. One terrorist less though, I guess.

Anonymous said...

Excellent....

-Rajesh

Kiran said...

I can only say that this is a masterpiece! There's nothing else I can say which will do justice to this stellar post!

The MEANDERthal man said...

:)

Gopinath's "Artickles" said...

Ramesh, I liked the limerick you posted in the comments section of my blog. Now, "Lets put da" - the da refers to a male, whild dee would refer to a female right? am i getting the right context?

Five Wise Men said...

Zimbly awesome! I am new to your blog, but well worth the time i took to go through your other posts. Count me in as a follower from now on. and of course, thanks for your comment on mine.

themiddler said...

As many have said before, awesome post. Visiting your site for the first time. Really like the "Let's Put Da" title :)

shrinivaz said...

^:)^

implodingdarkness said...

Simply hilarious! One Pun-ter you are!
Another first-time visitor...
I have an inspired poetry attempt:
http://varun-internalreflections.blogspot.com/

chronicleofmylife said...

ah there's no comparision between the two. shivraj patil seems to be much like atal bihari vajpayee, although much lower in energy

gayathri-vishwanathan said...

awesome...i was laughing here shamelessly (with my boss hovering my head to see what's wrong with me) :)

AsMi said...

You rock!

Deepak Krishnan said...

superb post!!! loved reading it...

raghu said...

:D

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