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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Manmohan calls Customer Service

The intellectual, soon-to-be U.S. president Obama (whose visiting card, in India, would have said "O  B.A., M.A.") calls and our PM could not take the call because he was traveling. Vodafone he has!!! After 4 years as PM, he doesn’t even have roaming. What is he? A sub-prime minister? Anyway, Manmohan decides to rectify this and many other problems with his phone. He makes a call to customer service. 


Tring tring.

Husky Female Voice : Thank you for calling Vodafone. If you want to continue in English press 1. Hindi mein jaankari ke liye 2 dabaeeye. Woof bow wow bark woof 3 bow-wow.

Manmohan presses 1.

HFV : If you are an existing subscriber press 1...(and so on and on and on)

After pressing more buttons than a liftman in the Empire State Building, Manmohan finally gets through to a customer service officer.

CSO (in the tone of a waiter in an Udipi restaurant rattling off the menu) : Thank-you-for-calling-Vodafone-this-is-Rakesh-here-how-may-I-help-you?

Manmohan Singh : Namaste. This is Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

CSO : Yeah sure. And this is the dog from our TVC.

MS : Please don’t be pugnacious. I really am Manmohan Singh.

CSO (skeptically) : Er…is that so? In that case, you will have to answer a secret question to verify your identity.

MS : Go ahead.

CSO : What colour is your favourite turban?

MS : Light Blue.

CSO (startled) : Ofwwrwgf. You are Manmohan Singh. How may I help you sir?

MS : You see, I have some technical doubts regarding my phone. I checked with my Minister for Technology - Kapil Sibal. But he was busy allocating spectrum. He tells me Reliance is going to be given violet and Tata gets indigo. Anyway, coming back to the issue, I would like a tech person to visit me and configure my phone for me.

CSO : Sure sir. Happy to help. Could you tell me what you need? So that I can brief the technician.

MS : Sure. Firstly, I am getting very confused with all the ministers’ names. You see, I have 78 ministers. 30 of them are in my cabinet (which of course, leaves room for nothing but one spare blue turban).  To make my life easier, I want to store their names as nicknames.

CSO : That can be done sir. Why nicknames?

MS : It’s easier to remember them that way. I want Lalu stored as “fodder of the nation”, Arjun Singh as “reservation counter”, Ramadoss as “banned-it king” and so on.

CSO : Can be done. Er…sorry for overstepping my bounds sir. I know I’m just a mere citizen, but why do you keep so many of these people? Why, for instance, do you need Kamal Nath.

MS : Why not, I say. He follows customs. He does his duty. That’s what commerce needs.

CSO : Er… Shivraj Patil?

MS (indignantly) : Please!!! After seeing how Obama won, I am convinced that we need Shivraj. He represents the 'change' platform. Moreover, as home minister, he has redressed every grievance.

CSO : er… I see. Sharad…?

MS : Oh, that Pawar hungry fellow. I don’t really need him. I put him in agriculture only so that our cricket team will do better. You would notice that these days, our players dig themselves in and plough through the opposition. In fact we will be top seeds in the next world cup. All this is because Sharad is the agriculture minister. Imagine what would happen if I gave him fisheries.

CSO : But what about the farmers?

MS : Aw. They are just a confused crop. They drink pesticide and spray Coca-Cola on their plants. Coming back to my problems… I would also like to upgrade from 2G to 3G.

CSO : 3G hasn’t been launched yet sir. Why the hurry?

MS : Oh, no real hurry. So far, 2G was enough. I had only Sonia-ji & Rahul-ji to call. But I heard Priyanka-ji may enter politics. So I just want to be prepared.

CSO : Umm. Noted sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes, yes. I would also like to have different ringback tones for different people. When Prakash Karat calls, I want him to hear “cheeni kum”. It’s good advice for him. Heh Heh. Amar Singh should hear “naach meri bull bull, tujhe paisa milega.” And so on.

CSO : Sure sir. And if Sonia calls…

MS : “Maa tujhe salaam.” And oh, before I forget, I want roaming activated.

CSO (surprised) : You still don’t have roaming sir?

MS (a bit apologetically) : Well, you know, roam wasn’t built in a day. In fact, I’m not a-loan in waivering on this. Chidambaram also doesn’t have roaming. You see, it’s not in our common minimum programme. So whenever I tried to get the facility, the left told me it wasn’t right. I used to think that I could manage without roaming because BSNL had installed a phone in Air India One. But I found out only last week that it was a landline. And silly me, I thought it never worked during flights because it had no air-time.

CSO : We’ll set it up right away sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes. Er… could your technician also teach me how to put the phone in silent mode. You see, the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy. So with all the buying and selling these days, I get calls non-stop. Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound. Heh Heh,

CSO : Of course. Of course. Thank you for calling sir. I’ll send the technician over. Where exactly do you stay.

MS (exasperated) : Obviously Race Course Road. The best address for horse-trading.

CSO : Sure sir. Thank-you-for-calling-vodafone-have-a-nice-day.

Disclaimer : The above conversation didn't really take place. It is completely phone-y.
References : If you don't follow Indian politics, this post will make no sense to you (please note that this statement does not imply that this post will make sense if you do follow Indian politics). In that case, do mention it in your comments and I will add the necessary links.



44 comments:

Sauvik said...

Another masterpiece!

Onwards to a hat-trick!

K Subramanian @ work said...

How do you like the epithet of Indian Wodehouse (It could later become your epitaph too!)

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks Sauvik & Subu.

And Subu, Wodehouse would never descend to punning :-). But thanks all the same. There's no epitaph I'd like better. It's worth dying for :-)

mandar.deodhar said...

Nice one :-)

Vishwas Krishna said...

Came here through Antidote. Very nice post indeed. Liked the 2G and 3G thing very much.

rambodoc said...

Amusingh is an andarstatement. I vote to select you as Cheap Minister of Pun-jab. Thanks for a phonetastic post!
:-)

Rohan said...

Brilliant as usual, Ramesh! Added you to my blogroll.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious :-)

Rahul Jauhari

Anonymous said...

great work... you might want to send it to ndtv though.... it will make great clip for "the great indian tamasha"

Amey said...

"Where exactly do you stay?" Only customer service can ask that to PM.

Didn't get Prakash Karat though... Sorry.

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks all.

Amey, that was a reference to Prakash Karat's admiration, love and obedience towards China.

Am sure I got the spelling & grammar wrong and China & sugar are pronounced differently, but the only place we Madrasis get any liberty is in dicking around with the Hindi language :-)

Sangeetha said...

Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound.

That's a masterpiece!

Ajay said...

I'm sure you're writing these comments under various pseudonyms!

Ramesh Srivats said...

Haha Ajay. In my modest way, I'll take that as yet another compliment.

I must say though that "rambodoc" is worth a pinch of suspicion, but I clicked on the name and followed the link and saw that there was a well-written and extensive blog at the other end which would allay the doubts of the most skeptic of people.

Kiran said...

Tears in my eyes because if laughing my A off!

I dont know where to start and where to end. I will just say that this is a masterpiece - the puns are just THE BEST!

preetbedi said...

ramesh absolutely top class
u may want to tell us in a day or two what exactly happened in the telecon between obama and m singh- i know u were listening in

Debby said...

Great! Kya idea hai sir! Sorry to Vodafone!

Aru said...

he he. very funny and punny...loved the nicknames bit...specially banned it king.....way to go

What's In A Name ? said...

Made much sense to me. :P

Superficial Gibbering prater said...

Oye,Sir ji,Orey the Fun..err the pun I say..As u say,Lets 'continue' to Put da :P

Ashish Gupta said...

Brilliant! First time here. Your language puns are hilarious!!

Iya said...

this was surely hillarious!! came here via desipundit...

shaaaaaaam said...

Awesome!

Tazeen said...

Vodafone sucks across the globe, geography is immaterial to these as*&les

Pramod Biligiri said...

That was very funny! Pun is so hard to get right and I was amazed to see you do it throughout the post :)

silverine said...

LOL!! Punny post! Good one! Came here via Desipundit!

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Awesome post! ^:)^

Blogeswari said...

Absolutely hilarious!

Pagal Patrakar said...

man! you should write for www.fakingnews.com

Jam said...

Anna,

This is total 'kadi', but ridiculously hilarious. Your take on each and every word and phrase in there is amazing.

Cheers....Jam

Gaurav said...

Ironically FunnY....!!!

Keep it up....!

http://karnalinfo.blogspot.com/

Kaps said...

Hilarious!
This is TOI Sunday edition material... Wait, even better!

george said...

Great way to start the day! Definetely brought a smile! Brilliant! In the land of Karan Johar and Ekta Kapoor the written word is certainly in competent hands. Brilliant! Bring on some more!

Ramya said...

Came here through DesiPundit. Awesome post!

mirrorcracked said...

The first post I read here, and Wow! What a refreshing change! :)
Thanks for dropping in to MirrorCracked earlier. I'm still getting over the line "the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy..."
Hehehe! Cheers! :)

bhatnaturally said...

Awesome! My first time here. Glad to have discovered it! I have subscribed!

Coconut Chutney said...

MP vessels make most noise! Chanceyy illa! First time here and I'm pretty sure I'll keep coming! :)

Gopinath Mavinkurve said...

Another good one! How could i have been missing this fun all the while?

Vinod_Sharma said...

This is tremendous stuff. You have something great going. As to Manmohan, thanks to his love for Bush and all things American, may be he should change his name to McMohan.

Anonymous said...

First time visit... Awesome

flowergirl said...

Brilliant!

Deepak Krishnan said...

shud have introduced a pun on the sethusamudram project too!!!

Anonymous said...

oh man...
I just found your blog. You have an amazing talent....

Anonymous said...

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India s most comprehensive site on Indian politics, with current focus on General Elections 2009. For the first time in India, an internet media platform will try to use an edutainment route to capture the Kumbh Mela of Indian politics.

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