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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Am at my Tweet's End

I solemnly swear that this is the last time I shall cheat by cloaking excerpts from my Twitter updates as a blog post. That's because, from now on, I er... plan to post all my Twitter updates as blog posts. If you anyway follow me on Twitter and want to read only the longer stuff, you can click on the topic - Patiala. Here are excerpts from my Tweets of the last few days -

Bihar cops perform Pujas to reduce crime http://tinyurl.com/9zlycb Good that the cops have stopped preying and started praying.

Microsoft's latest campaign is 'Life without walls' http://tinyurl.com/6sjx3g Er... if there are no walls, why do we need Windows?

ISI training women for terrorism http://tinyurl.com/9eqjaq So, do the women get to play the virgins in paradise?

Art market down by 30% http://tinyurl.com/8e8yer Sigh. A picture is now worth only 700 words.

Manmohan sends greeting cards to Zardari & Gilani http://tinyurl.com/8zwav5 You could call this the Hallmark of his diplomacy.

No more elephants in RD parade http://tinyurl.com/99rul8 Guess our govt. was scared that Shiv Sena would object to the "Pakiderms".

Raju doesn't want to share his cell http://tinyurl.com/9gp7kr So, a criminal company is ok. But the company of criminals is not. Uh?

Mayawati sends Rs.500 to the woman who gave Rahul shelter. After mopping up Rs.12,00,00,000 on her b'day. Trickle down economics in action.

Gardening boosts men's sex-life http://tinyurl.com/8ye8lk Well, that explains the superhigh birthrate of Mali http://tinyurl.com/8zxble

Sourav Ganguly retires from the Bengal Ranji Trophy team. You could say that he has become a non-state player.

I think 'Warner Brothers' should change their name. They never warned us about CC2C.

Raj Thackeray to launch an agitation against Aamir & Shahrukh. He accuses them of maintaining 6-Paks.

Congress says Priya is the political heir of Sunil Dutt http://tinyurl.com/dl57qg Is this what they mean by political "will"?

Vishwakarma sues Slumdog cast on behalf of slum-dwellers http://tinyurl.com/aj2urw What next? Achutanandan suing them on behalf of dogs?

K'taka govt tells temples to perform puja to ward off ill-effects of eclipse http://tinyurl.com/awcdyk Their motto - No work and all pray.

100% literacy programme inaugurated for prisoners in TN http://tinyurl.com/bfp9yr First they get a sentence. Then they are taught words.

Mamata praises Gujarat for being biz-friendly http://tinyurl.com/bz5jt6 That's like Jack the Ripper praising Paris for being safer.

Vijender & Sushil Kumar don't get Padma Shrees but Akshay does. Now we know whose exploits in China are valued.

You can follow me on Twitter here. And the more masochistic among you can choose to receive these updates as SMSs.

Incidentally, this blog now has more than 100 followers, over 500 subscribers, 25,000+ visits and is in the Technorati Top-100,000. Thank you, dear readers, for your tolerance.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

100-word Election Speeches - Part 3

Link to introduction & Part 1.
Link to Part 2.

The elections are getting closer and closer. Parties have made their guest-lists. They are preparing their manifestoes and their bullet-points. People are talking Ram & stocking rum. Old leaders are trying to make news. While new candidates are making old noises. In all this buzz, here are some more suggestions for quick, snappy, speeches.

Sanjay Dutt - Oy there. Vote for me, ok. I want to be PM. My career started in a
Rocky manner. But I soon made a Naam for myself. The Mumbai Blasts were a Kaante in my flesh because people thought I had made our Dushman into my Saajan. So I was called Khalnayak and kept in Kabzaa for possessing Hathyaar. But now I’m back with a Dhamaal. I fail to understand why, just because I’m a movie star, I’ve become the Dutt of all jokes. Believe me, I’m a man of deep conviction – 6 years to be precise. So vote for me and vote for a muscular India. Sanjay ka Haath, Arm Aadmi ke Saath.

Mamata Banerjee - Farmers, and former farmers. This is your Didi standing before you asking for your vote. These industrialists want your land to set up plants. What for I say? Don’t farmers anyway grow plants? Industry? Na, no, never. I will ban progress. After all, people respectfully call me Bannerjee. Your Didi will make a great PM. With the constant terrorist threat, we need a PM capable of ordering surgical strikes. Or even, if necessary, a nuclear strike. And I am a veteran of strikes. Auto strike, lawyer strike and so on. So vote for me and let us restore Farm Rajya in this country.

Raj Thackeray - Manoos & er.. womanoos. Make me PM and I promise to protect our borders. I’ll ban everything Pakistani. Singers, sportsmen, jugglers. Movies like Pakeezah. Sweets like Mysore Pak. Even games like Pakman. You see, by eliminating all peaceful visitors, we can attack any Pakistani on the street because he, then, must be a terrorist. Of course, if he’s armed, we’ll let our Bhaiyyas in NSG handle it. I’ll spread Marathi around India, signboard by signboard. Marathi is music to my ears and I love music. Especially violence. And sometimes, I play the loot. I am well educated, in the famous Goon School, where I studied the work of the poet Burns. Unlike my uncle, I have Bals. So please vote for me and send me to Delhi. Or else, I’ll remain in Mumbai.

Barkha Dutt - You the people. I request you to vote me in as PM. This nation is floating meaninglessly. It needs an anchor. Like me. I will not treat politics as a business. I’ll make it personal. Very personal. I will personally investigate every terror attack and fearlessly interrogate the er… victims. I’ll have no secrets and I’ll ensure that our nation too has none. After all, even terrorists count in the TRPs, don't they? I’ll cajole our industrialists to ensure that our economy is sensational. I’ll add melodrama to parliamentary proceedings thus making it prime-time viewing. I beg you for your vote. So, please vote for me. Or I’ll cry.

Considering I've plunged down to people like Barkha Dutt, I guess its time to end this series. Unless some fresh jokers enter politics.

Disclaimer : The above speeches are pure fiction. So it does not purport to represent the state of Indian politics, which is more about friction, factions & infractions.

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Monday, January 12, 2009

Short and Tweet

My love affair with Twitter continues. It is spontaneous. It is easy. It is interactive. And it is addictive. Some more excerpts :

Chhattisgarh government to provide free iodised salt. All the people in that state can now say, "Sarkar, maine aapka namak khaya hai".

A Ghajini video game is to be launched soon. Wonder how much memory it will take.

Hindu says "Over 100 flights delayed in Delhi". PTI says "Flight operations normal in Delhi". I guess, both are right.

Amar Singh calls the UPA government gutless and heartless. Well, I am a champion of less government, but this is not what I meant.

ONGC is participating in the oil strike. Er... weren't they set up to strike oil???

Musharraf says that India should not speak of surgical strikes. I agree. Any such talk and all our surgeons will stop coming to work.

Ramadoss to now make Yoga mandatory in all schools and colleges. Our health minister suffers from an Obsessive Compulsory Disorder.

China blocks 41 porn sites. They now have only about 14,999,959 sites to go.

Mallya says he still hasn't decided if Dravid will continue as the captain of RCB. You could say - he is sitting on the wall.

A google search generates 7g of CO2. Well, one breath we take generates 1g. So let's hold our breath and search.

You can follow my Tweets
here.

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Thursday, January 8, 2009

Satyam Chairman on Trial

It’s a big day. The courtroom is packed. With journalists, shareholders, programmers & Barkha Dutt. After all, today’s the day when the Satyam Chairman & CEO, B Ramalinga Raju, is in the dock. The judge is looking solemn. The public prosecutor is looking smug. In the background, the national emblem adds gravity to the proceedings. In order to remove any trace of bias, the words “Satyameva Jayate” have been masked so that it reads “eva Jayate”. Ramalinga Raju has taken the oath and the crowd too has been quietly swearing at him. The public prosecutor purposefully walks up to the witness stand.


Public Prosecutor
(gravely courteous) : Would you prefer to remain standing or would you rather sit down?

Ramalinga Raju : Oh, I’ll sit down. This might be a witness stand, but I am a chairman. Heehee.

PP (ignoring the PJ) : You have been accused of serious corporate fraud. Do you plead guilty or not guilty.

RR : Actually, I am golti. But, to answer your question, not guilty.

A startled gasp runs through the courtroom.

PP : Not guilty??? Do you actually deny that you falsified the books to show inflated results?

RR : No. No. I admit to that. What I mean to say is that, there was no intention to defraud. I was merely running my company along Web 2.0 lines. Including the accounting. You could call it Accounting 2.0.

PP (looking a bit out of his depth) : Er…. Could you elaborate.

RR : You see, the buzz-phrase these days is the social web. Where the power of crowds is used to create and refine content. That is Web 2.0. So, with my Accounting 2.0, I was being social, not anti-social.

PP (sarcastically) : Thanks for the tutorial. But what does this have to do with Satyam?

RR : My company had enough of writing programs, providing services and shopping bodies. So I decided to move with the times.

PP : And how exactly is declaring false revenues, “moving with the times”?

RR : In the early part of my life, I had been a hard-working entrepreneur who used to slog to get revenues. But I decided to have an easier, better SecondLife. So my revenues were just an experiment in Virtual Reality.

PP : Hmm, interesting. And does that justify cooking the books?

RR : Well, I did cook them in such a way that they were deli.co.us. And people were ready to Digg in. As long as my books are popular, who cares if some critics like SEBI object. In fact, the Satyam books were bestsellers in the fiction section of Amazon. You could call it Long Tale Economics.

PP : But your balance sheet was blatantly false.

RR (dreamily) : What is true? What is false? That is so 1.0. In today’s world, truth is what the crowd says it is. Constantly shifting but eternally true. My books, you see, were a Wiki.

PP (thunders) : Sir, I think you are just hiding behind a fa├žade of self righteous philosophy. Didn’t you effectively loot the public?

RR : Sure I did. In fact, I’m proud to say that I’m a Flickr.

PP : You know, just for that admission, I can throw the book at you.

RR : And I will face it. I have spent a lot of time in Facebook. Look, you can’t do much to me. I have a great social network. My status has been constantly updated. Higher and higher.

PP (bemused) : But if you were held in such high regard, why get into this mess?

RR : Well, people were always poking me. So I decided to poke them all back.

PP : All this is fine. What I don’t understand is how your auditors never caught on.

RR (mockingly) : What, that PWC crowd? I knew they wouldn’t StumbleUpon anything. They are just a bunch of Tweets.

The crowd twitters in mirth

PP : So do you really expect to get away in spite of all that you have done.

RR : Oh No. The health minister can have me banned because with all this 2.0 stuff, I have spread a social disease. Everybody in this room has it. It’s called SIFYlis.

Pandemonium breaks out in the courtroom. The judge bangs his gavel for order. Case adjourned. The spectators quietly disperse avoiding contact with one another.

Disclaimer : All characters in this trial are as fictitious as Satyam’s profits
References : Second Life, Deli.co.us, Digg, StumbleUpon, Flickr, Wikipedia, Facebook & Twitter are all up there leading the Web 2.0 revolution.
Update : I've subsequently found out that Satyam exited SIFY a few years back. So I guess I shouldn't have dragged SIFY into this article. But then, if you really look at it, I shouldn't have dragged all the other companies in either.

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