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Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Bharatiya Oscar Awards - Bhaskars

I wonder why we folks are so happy about Slumdog Millionaire winning so many awards. Of course, I love the fact that Rahman finally got some recognition. And Resul Pookutty got a foreign trip. But why are we so ecstatic about the other awards? Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars.


Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars.

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

Best Screenplay – A bunch of plutocrats indulge in a decadent auction. The auction ends. The action begins. Chargers run out of power. Fancied teams are Royally Challenged. Vijay Mallya sulks. Preity Zinta hugs some Kings. Shahrukh hugs Shoaib. Vijay Mallya sulks. Cheerleaders entertain the crowds. Shiv Sena sulks. Mumbai crowds get folk dancers instead. Harbhajan behaves like a Silly Bhajji. Sreesanth sobs. Preity Zinta hugs him. Vijay Mallya sulks. Akshay Kumar lands in a chopper. Set Max shows a billion ads. Shane Warne leads the most unfancied team to the trophy. Everybody is happy. Except Mallya, that is. For a heady cocktail of money, glamour & action and for ensuring that everybody shamelessly played for the screen, the Bhaskar Award for Screenplay goes to Lalit Modi for “Paisa Bhi Hota Hai”.

Best Music/Song – It was composed by the Songh Parivar and performed by the Ram Sena. Strongly influenced by the Culture Club, it is a lilting malady. The artists used thumping beats and indulged in serious head-banging. It played in many pubs and hit the top of the charts on Valentines day. The Bhaskar for Best Music goes to Pramod Muthalik for his message to youth - “Hurry Home Hurry”.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role – He didn’t want the responsibility of being the star, but played a significant role in the development of the plot. He played the perfect counterfoil to the government. i.e. He countered every move and foiled every plan. For a scintillating performance in which he acted as if he supported the government, the Bhaskar Award for Best Supporting Actor goes to Prakash Karat for “Chowringee Lane to China.

Best Editing – A good script can completely collapse if it is not cut to perfection. A shining example was the Olympic Telecast. An unconventional editing technique was used whereby all interesting action was cut. The audience had to imagine the action by seeing the prize distribution. DD, like any good editor, took us, the audience, on an emotional rollercoaster ride. We wept when rowing was shown instead of gymnastics. We cursed when athletics was cut in favour of Greco-Roman wrestling. We laughed at the “expert analysis”. And we were inspired everytime we saw Vijender punch the air to the tune of Chak De India. Live telecast was transformed by radical editing into a dead telecast. The Bhaskar for Best Editing goes to Doordarshan for “Dekh Sake Tho Dekh Lo”.

Best Costumes – His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned. His policies rankled but his sleeve was creased. His words were meaningless and few. For he was a man of Achkan. He faced diplomats with polish (on his shoes) and terrorists with boldness (in his checks). For bathing us in his sartorial splendour, the Bhaskar Award for Best Costumes goes to Shivraj Patil for “Kapda, Kapda aur Kapda”.

Best Action – He asked for Maa Ki Dal, but got into trouble. He prayed for Man-ki Shakti. And-drew Symonds’ rage. Everybody told him to shut up. So, like Hellen Keller, he decided to let his hands do the talking. His opportunity came when a team-mate showed some cheek on the field. He responded to the cheek with some slapstick comedy. Unfortunately nobody found it funny and he had to face a suspension with disbelief. For a resounding performance that brought tears to the eyes of Sreesanth, the Bhaskar Award for Action goes to Harbhajan Singh for “Thappad Phad Ke”.

Best Actor in a Leading Role – He was over 70 years old, but willing to take up a leading role. Surrounded by friends who were actually enemies and enemies who were actually, well, enemies, he sailed his way with indifferent elan. There were bombs, controversies, recesisions, betrayals, and general pandemonium but he responded to everything with studied, emotionless, underplay. A thoroughly professional actor, he listened to every single thing, his directorji told him. For a convincing performance of acting as if he was leading the country, The Bhaskar Award for Best Actor in a Leading Role, goes to Manmohan for the highly ornamental role he played in “Singh is Bling”.

Best Director – This year, the award goes to not a mere director but a managing director. It’s a story of one man against society. Of a man who defied conventions. A man who fought for his principles. Accounting principles, that is. Who believed that books are not salads to be left uncooked. Who fought against the norm that employees should have a corporeal presence. Who refused to hear his conscience because he had some Auditory problems. It’s a saga of human dreams that would have enraptured even Sigmund Fraud. The best director of the year goes to Ramalinga Raju for “Scamasutra".

Best Picture – A magnum opus for which 552 villains were assembled (unfortunately, there was no money left-over for heroes). By any stretch of imagination it is the longest movie ever made – 5 years approximately. It’s a movie with no story but lots of plots – devious plots. It’s a fluid script with many actors staging walk-outs. There is no action but lot of motion(s). And commotion. With over 500 people shouting concurrently, the audio levels were so high that even the Speaker packed up. The movie had a message. That while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free-market. For 5 entertaining years of bedlam, the Bhaskar Awards for the Best Picture goes to the 14th Lok Sabha for “Chor Machaye Shor.”

Lifetime Acievement - The one actor who never seems to leave the stage is Deve Gowda. He has had a rich career in which he has acted in numerous mega-hits. He played the indifferent CM with a profit motive in "No Aankhen Bara Haath". He captured the spirit of a villager who fluked his way to Delhi in "Ragi Ban Gaya Gentleman". He portrayed the social worker who opposed infra-structure in "Viroadi". And a million other such roles. He has a wealth of experience and now an experience of wealth. For amassing an incredible amount of er... wisdom in one lifetime, the Bhaskar Award for Lifetime Achievement goes to Deve Gowda.

That wraps up the 2008 Bhaskars folks. Do send in nominations for 2009.

Disclaimer : All characters and events mentioned above are purely a figment of the petrified author's imagination. A marked resemblance (pointed out by PM) in the name of the awards to Christy Bharath's initiative to spoof the Oscar winners is completely unintended and remarkably coincidental.

60 comments:

The Comic Project said...

Best Costume and Best Actor in a supporting role.... hilarious :-) And love the name for the Bhartiya Oscars. BHASKARS!!!

kunal said...

the only thing in the whole post that sounded untrue was the Disclaimer.

great writing!

mythalez said...

rofl ... 'seriously funnily awesome'!

Gireesh Subramaniam (girsubra) said...

I am sure,the Sing is Bling hero,will say that he doesnt deserve the award and he had watched MadameJi's performance in her supposed Supporting role in "PM,CMs Janpath Road Par" and that she deserves it more than him.

Of Course ,Madame Ji doesnt attend Indian Award functions.She well only attends..err Italian ones and refused this award.

Shyam said...

absolutely brilliant..esp the bit on ScamalingaRaju

The Mudd said...

Nice one. All bloody Bhaskards !

Rockus said...

Awesome boss! Where is the best actress award? And the awards for the supporting cast?

Bones said...

LOL!!!

വടക്കൂടന്‍ | Vadakkoodan said...

Good one :)

Here is my nomination for best actress award: madamji - for acting like she is not the prime minister of the nation.

Vinod_Sharma said...

You are simply brilliant....try for the Oscar, these Bhaskar types will not recognise your worth!

Vedang said...

sir,
i do believe you have outdone yourself with this post!
bravo!

P.S See is you can fit the gandhi brothers somewhere

Kislay said...

:) No nominations for Laloo Yadava :(

chokkathangam said...

hehe.. total punnage.. should we issue an award for best non-state actors too? and hand it over to soniajee ofc..

Rahul Jauhari said...

As good as ever :-)

http://www.rahuljauhari.net/

Aldemen Tripe Loon said...

"Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars"

Yes, people are unecessarily making a big fuss but no its not like Schindler's list and Germany...Hehe, really!

Devina said...

Hilarious, bold and and a melting pot of sarcasm....maza aa gaya!!! :)))

Smitha said...

Oh that was hilarious!!!!! Can't stop laughing !

Kooga said...

Nice blog man . Not sure if you meant it as a joke but there is a typo in Sigmund Freud's name

Sri said...

Best Director... ScamaSutra... Hilarious.. and Bhaskar is a very innovative term!!

Sri said...

Ohhh... AWESOME post!!!

Saurabh Somani said...

hilarious post... one of your funniest yet!

things do seem to get weirder by the day. here is my take at

http://blinkandumissit.blogspot.com/2009/03/its-mad-mad-world.html

ashwin said...

Enjoyed the Bhaskars!! Absolutely great!!

Indyeah said...

ROFL!!

ŠĦÅŠĦWÃT said...

Hey punk, I don't care what humor you derive at the expense of catastrophes but you better know that Sangh Parivar and Muthalik's morcha are not linked at all:

http://www.dailypioneer.com/155516/Ban-Sri-Ram-Sena-RSS.html

Anonymous said...

This is THE BEST political humour I've come across. Kudos to you!!
Singh is Bling was exceptional !!

Karthik Sivaramakrishnan said...

Awesome post!

Subbu said...

552 Villains...while the country is forced into socialism, the parliament operates as a free market. Brilliant stuff.

I am sure you will have more 'meat' after May 2009 when a new set of villians enter the amphitheatre.Looking forward(or is it backward) to it.

anbuchezhian said...

Awesomne. Read, Re-read it many a time

Deepak said...

Awesome, great, fabulous, Hilarious and what not...
I am at loss of words.

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks all.

@kunal
Really, I mean it. Check the link on the disclaimer

@The Mudd LOL

@Rockus @Vadakkoodan @Kislay @Vedang
Yup there are more categories and more deserving winners. For instance, Best Costume was nearly won by another guy who popularized pink undergarments. Do send in nominations for this year as and when they happen.

@Kooga :-)

@SHASHWAT
Thanks for the link to Pioneer whose editor - Chandan Mitra - is a BJP supported member of the Rajya Sabha. But do note, that I didn't refer to Sangh Parivar. I was talking about Songh Parivar. This is a group which roams around in pink chaddis and has belted out 'hit' after 'hit'. And thanks for calling me 'punk' btw. You don't know what it means to a bald guy like me.

Sauvik said...

absolutely superb once again. congrats. keep them coming.

Hariharan said...

My nominee for Best Actress in Lead role :

From being a leading Miss in UP to mis(s) leading the leaders of the Third Front, she has displayed anything but leaden acting skills. While others have to be content with a Walk of Fame, our leading lady has had statues of herself installed thus leaving an indelible foot mark in the annals of Indian political history. Give it up for the one and only....

Ramsay said...

Hearly congrats on yet another timely (in context of exposing these charlatans)yet timeless (as it has universal applicability)post.

B K CHOWLA said...

The best nomination is that of best costume.Some where you seem to have forgotten the super PM.

Jas said...

Awesome post. The best I have read, ever.

Kiran said...

"And-Drew Symonds' Rage".. now what can one possibly say to that??

I should seriously stop commenting on your posts since each and every post is better than the previous and the English language does not have nearly enough superlatives that do justice to your blog!

donraja said...

You are back and how!! Really really loved this. I think you could go on and on. Maybe add a few technical awards, whatever, dont stop. HIlarious.

EMC3 said...

@Rockus:
The Best Actress Bhaskar should go to Mayawati and the Bhaskar for Supporting Cast should be give to Mayawati's Statues for the Movie "Missmaya".

Caje said...

simply superb, you bloody bhaskar!

Fly, You Fools Comics said...

That's some seriously funny stuff right there!

A great beginning for the Bhaskars.. but in the future I think it might be difficult to chose a single winner. I see emergence of collective winners, where the prize gets distributed among a coalition of the willing, and multiple fronts.

Anu Biswas said...

an epitome of the not-so-very-hungry-at-all and the very foolish! great stuff. Can we expect a blook - blog+book?

Nitram said...

Hilarious and thought provoking, do not necessarily go hand in hand. 'Yes, we can' says this post!
Perhaps you should think of following this up with Part 2, covering the awards you neglected. A few suggestions-
Best Cinematography: The Indian Media, who altruistically gave us a ringside view to the Mangalore pub incident.
Best Special Effects: Varun Gandhi, who claims to be a victim of some ground breaking SFX.

Rahul Jauhari said...

Ramesh, you must be making serious money from adsense by now, lol.

rahuljauhari.net

K.Ramachandran said...

Magnificent, brilliant, witty . ROTFL . BTW, my first ( and only ) blog is on Oscars .

Ramsri said...

Brilliant!
Have you considered making this an annual gig, similar to what Sandeep has going on here (http://www.sandeepweb.com/2008/12/05/most-loathsome-people-in-india-2008/)?? I would suggest you think about it - am sure many people (yours truly included) would love to send in nominations!

shivaprasad krishnan said...

This one is right on top.

auditory problems..scamsutra and Ragi ban gaya gentleman were just too hilarious

revathi said...

Best stuntman award goes to Varun Gandhi for his bluff to cut of the arms of all circumcised individuals with a laser sword.

Vikram M A said...

very innovative... there should be one bhaskar to anil kapoor for basking (bhasking) in other people's glory at the oscars :-) :-)

ramesh said...

awesome man

PM said...

Sorry, but this idea seems to be not original:

http://christybharath.wordpress.com/2009/02/26/yeah-thats-rightthe-bhaskar-awards/

- PM

Ramesh Srivats said...

Thanks all

@PM,
Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Will ascribe credit for the name to that blog in my post.

litterateuse said...

What a wonderful take on the drama of Indian politics!

//His authority may have been loose but his collar was buttoned.//

That's a gem :) As is "Best Screenplay" ;)

gauri

putti said...

You are simply brilliant!!! You could open a fan club. I am sure there ll be millions of fans!!..

Blogger said...

Wow...Enjoyed the "Bhaskars" Couldnt control my laughter.

Am now waiting eagerly for the 2009 edition :)

Cheers

Pallavi Kempaiah said...

Hilarious Ramesh. Amazing how we Indians find humour even in our apathetic state.

christy bharath said...

remarkable indeed, the coincidence. funny stuff, mate.

george said...

On the subject of Slumdog...it's not the best Indian film and it certainly is not Danny Boyle's best film! Got to wonder about this Oscar business! As for us Indians...we will celebrate anything...shaadis, chaddis, 20/20...test match draws...test match 50s.....shooting gold medals.....new flyovers...lkame fashion week...just about anything!...so our celebrating doesn't mean anything at all...lets celebrate!

papabears said...

Seriously Christy, this seems to be a remarkable coincidence - the similarity to our initiative. Thank you PM for pointing this out.

sudhir kekre said...

Hi,
Loved your blog. Just one complaint. Please do write more regularly. :)
your posts are very funny.

Rahul Jauhari said...

FYI - my blog is now at rahuljauhari.com.
Cheers

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