Tweeters Never Prosper

As I get ready for an ill-deserved vacation, I've decided to take the easy way out. Some excerpts from my tweets of the last few days.

A stated objection to GM seeds is that they will hurt small farmers because of their high yield. So we'd rather have farmers than food, uh?

Sheila Dikshit takes the oath for the third time. Does that make her the most promising CM around?

HDK says that Ashok Kheny (NICE) has paid off every politician in Karnataka except the Gowda family. Oh. So that's his beef.

Jet Airways Pilot detained at Heathrow for being drunk. So this guy earns from Goyal and spends on Mallya.

Sonam Kapoor to endorse L'Oreal. A natural step after her debut movie Saawariya, which was La-Ordeal.

Mayawati has given new meaning to the term 'party funds'.

Suicide bombers for sale in Pakistan. Now that could be a booming business. In more ways than one.

Thackeray equates Sena-BJP ties with husband-wife bickering. Sure. The family that preys together slays together.

Mayawati is going to celebrate her birthday as Dhikkaar Diwas (day of shame). Am sure her parents would agree with that.

Ghajini should do well at the box office. After all, it resonates with today's India - short-term memory loss and all that.

You can follow my tweets here. See you in 2009. Have a great new year bash.

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New Indian Nursery Rhymes - 1

Nursery rhymes, they say, are old legends and stories passed down orally. Well, with all that's happening around us, shouldn't we be modifying them so that they reflect today's stories instead of old irrelevant European stuff? Here are a few of my submissions.

Based on "Jack & Jill".

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they'd made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on "Rain, Rain Go Away".

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on "Mary had a Little Lamb".

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on "Hot Cross Buns".

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it's not for smoking,
It'll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on "I'm a Little Teapot".

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there's real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

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Twitter Updates - 5/12/08 to 15/12/08

Yes. Yes. There is no escape. If you don't follow me, I'll follow you. Excerpts from last week :

H.D. Kumaraswamy's wife also enters politics. Pati, Patni aur WOE.

Narayan Rane loses the race for becoming chief-minister. Can we now call him an 'also-Rane'?

Deve Gowda said, "If politicians are not there, who'll run the country?" Guess he meant "ruin the country", but then his English is lousy. 

Congress suspends Narayan Rane. They are pretty quick with their suspensions. Now when will they "suspend" Mohammad Afzal?

Pakistan puts Jaish-e-Mohammad chief, Masood Azhar, under house arrest. Guess he'll be working from home now.

TOI says a cabinet reshuffle is on the cards. After shuffling, Manmohan will pick a card. Any card. And it will turn out to be a joker. Sigh.

Rahul Gandhi says, "VIPs should leave the cops alone." Er... shouldn't it be the other way round?

England still has no answer to spinners. It all started with Gandhi - the original spinner.

The silly law that criminalizes adultery is going to apply to women too. Is this under the penal code, or are we seeing a new vaginal code?

You can follow me on Twitter by clicking here.

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100-word Election Speeches - Part 2

If you haven't read Part 1, this might make no sense. You may want to click here and read that first.

If you have read Part 1, this will probably still make no sense. But then, when did our leaders ever make any? Read on...

Vijay Mallya – Dear guests, I’m here to promise you Rum Rajya. Eight years back, a friend of mine invited me to join a party. I completely misunderstood him and…well…so here I am. Vote for me and let the good times roll. I’ll fill government with Diplomats to deal with the Romanovs and McDowells. The army will be equipped as per the Officers’ Choice and every terrorist will be quart. The economy will thus get a boozed and you can enjoy it with just-ice. The country will fly, our flag will be high and no bad laws will be passed. Because, whenever a bill is presented in parliament, I’ll just refuse to pay it. I be PM. UB happy.

Laloo – Brothers, sisters, mothers & fodders, thank you for grazing this occasion. Do you want cowards to rule you? Or cow-herds. My steely vision, SIMIan intelligence and Rabri morals made me a great minister. I got the trains moo-ing. My loco-ness and my motives ensured many new locomotives. I planned to introduce 49.5% reservation in trains, but I found that it was already 100%. I promise to milk the economy, and ensure that the GDP will gobar 10%. I’ll be friends with Sarkozy. After all La-loo means ‘French toilet’. Udder countries will be faced with cud missiles. So make me PM and you’ll have no beef.

Karunanidhi – Tamizhargale. When I was a child, my teacher made me write, “Mein hamesha sacch bolunga” a hundred times as punishment. Since then, I have been against any imposition of Hindi. Make me PM, and I’ll introduce the two-language formula – Tamil and C++. But, I’m not a regional leader. We are just very keen to keep Rahul Dravid in the Indian team. Hence DMK and the Dravidian movement. I promise a kind government. We will work to “Save the Tiger”. Of every kind. Culture will flourish. Books like Sivagami, crafts like Origami and arts like er… polygamy. So vote for me. Let the sun rise (and my son too).

Prakash Karat – Comrades, I stand before you as a product of China with the flavour of India. A bit like Paneer Manchurian. I’ve had a sweet-sour relationship with you but I promise that if you make me PM, I’ll fulfill all your needs and Wontons. Peking into the future, I see a country with compulsory education – everyone will be well, red. Your land, wealth, possessions (in fact everything except information) will be made public. Because, in Mao opinion, people should be equal and poverty should be spread equally. So vote for me and go for the Karat. Or would you prefer the stick?

Link to Part 3 with more regional rabble. Am open to suggestions.

Disclaimer : All characters above are not merely fictional. They are stranger than fiction.

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Let's Tweet Da

Dear Unsuspecting Reader,

An insomniac from Oracle in California just visited my site. And my sitemeter visitor count crossed 10,000 (yeah, yeah, I do get kicks out of stuff like this). Of course, about 2000 of these visits were those that I had made (to check the count). Nevertheless, now that some of you have been lulled into visiting this blog regularly, let me cunningly slip-in a quick cross-promotion for my twitter updates.

I joined twitter a week back and I'm absolutely hooked on to it. All random thoughts can be instantly SMSed to Twitterland and they join an incredibly rich pool of information, entertainment and nonsense. All in a snack-sized length of less than 140 characters. Here are some of my Tweets of last week.

Bakri Id is a week away but the slaughter of (scape)goats has begun.

Chidambaram as home minister. Now I am hoping for a home-loan waiver.

Vilas Rao Deshmukh says that Ram Gopal Verma is not a terrorist. He obviously hasn't seen RGV Ki Aag.

R.R. Patil said it wasn't a complete intelligence failure. He was wrong. It was. In his head.

Apparently the dead terrorists were turned away from paradise. Jihad and all that is fine but they shouldn't have shaved their beards.

Manmohan Singh visited my area yesterday, so all roads were widened and surfaced. Let's have 25 PMs who criss-cross India non-stop.

All politicians in India will finally come together because they have found a common enemy - the public.

The only reason Barkha still has her job is the fact that her name is an anagram of Khabar.

Ramadoss to ban terrorism in public places.

You can follow my twitter updates by clicking here. And if you are extremely masochistic, you can opt to get the updates as SMSes. I, in turn, solemnly swear, that I will not inflict on you any of the "Ramesh is hungry" or "Ramesh is getting into a plane" kind of titbits that pass off as facebook status updates.

Ramesh

PS : For a hilarious look at facebook status updates, check out face value.

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Shivraj Patil versus Sardar Patel

It’s late evening. Shivraj Patil is walking down a tree-lined street in Lutyens Delhi. He has a confused expression on his usually serene face. Sonia Gandhi had earlier said to him, “Go home.” What did she mean? Was she relieving him of his porfolio? Or was she cheering his ministry? And more importantly, should he wear the dark-blue Bandhgala tomorrow or should it be the black one?

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C'mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You're pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (shakes his head) I'm a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I'd have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. "Home" minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj's spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil's gaffes (Economic Times).

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So what do we do about our government?

Warning : This is a longish post and in contrast to my recent ones, there is no attempt at humour. Wordplay will be back in a day or two.

From apathy, to shock, to rage, to indignance, to disgust, to weariness, to apathy. The cycle continues.

The same words are being said. The same issues are being bickered over. The same solutions are being debated.

"Why can’t we have better intelligence?" "Isn’t it appalling that politicians have cornered the best cops for their own security?" "What do we do to bring Muslims into the mainstream of development & prosperity?" "Why can’t we have harsher laws?" "Why is the Indian state so much about power and so little about governance?"

Every one of us has been asking some of these questions. All of us have answers for some of them. The same old answers. We talk of citizens taking up arms. We drape ourselves in our national flag. We resolve to vote next time. We light candles. We wear white shirts. You know what we're actually doing? We are just deluding ourselves that our anger, our patriotism and our temporary activism will somehow create a mythical force that would lead to an efficient government. A government that will guarantee security, ensure prosperity, build infrastructure, protect our heritage, preserve our environment, regulate our industry, administer justice and promote harmony & equality.

But what is government? It is not an abstract entity that is filled with good intentions and endless talent.


We feel that government by definition, is good, but our politicians are bad. We feel that government is efficient, but our bureaucrats are not. But what is government other than politicians and bureaucrats? Government is made up of nothing more and nothing less than people like you or me, who have the added desire and the stamina to seek public office. How can any government be more selfless than its politicians, or more efficient than its bureaucrats?

Throwing one bunch of politicians out and bringing another set in is not really going to change anything, is it? There isn’t any superhero in the opposition parties, or indeed in the world, who can efficiently deliver all the myriad expectations we have from our government. A government, like any organization, can only do what it is capable of doing. It cannot achieve things that it is not designed to achieve. Regardless of our expectations.

The point therefore is not to make our expectations greater and louder. It is, in fact, to reduce our expectation from government, so that the state can concentrate on a few important things, and perhaps do it with excellence. Let’s therefore take a step back and see what our reduced expectation could be. What are our core needs from government?

The biggest reason why individuals voluntarily organize themselves into societies is physical security. The right to life. At a day-to-day level, this is to prevent anyone from harming us physically or coercing us through the initiation of force. The right to life can be extended into the right to freedom of action. After all life is not just the absence of death. It is the freedom and ability to think, say and do what we want. This in turn leads to the right to property. Which is nothing but the right to enjoy the result of our actions – the fruits of our labour – and to dispose of it as we please. We need government to protect these core rights of ours.

This would mean that at a fundamental level, we need government to run a police force and justice system. We also need to protect our society from other societies which may use force on us. Thus the army. If we define the role of government as these key things, and nothing more, we may perhaps, have a chance of getting security & justice. After all, when the expectations are few and well-defined, the politicians and bureaucrats become accountable, and more importantly the task becomes possible. As a side effect, if the power of government is limited to these areas, the avenues for corruption are few, and there is therefore no incentive for thugs and crooks to run for office.

But we don’t stop here, do we? We want government to do everything for us. We want some bureaucrat to control our industrialists (instead of exercising our right of not buying his product). We want a minister to protect local industry (by imposing tariffs and reducing efficiency at the cost of the consumer). We want government to provide us with cheap gasoline (thereby allowing us to waste resources). We want a dictator to ban smoking in restaurants (instead of us hurting the owner by denying him our patronage). We want government to protect our culture (by holding society ransom to a few people’s moral standards). Every one of us tries to use government to live off somebody else. Every one of us tries to use government to impose our personal views on others. Government, as a result, becomes just an instrument for the mutual violation of rights. Exercised by whichever group is committed enough to vote as a gang.

Having given government so many things to do, so many departments to run, and so many contradictory claims to cater to, why are we surprised when we find that we have a government that cannot perform its core functions effectively? Why are we surprised that our politicians are good-for-nothing? Why are we frustrated whenever we deal with the state apparatus. It’s time we understood that politicians will be self-serving and bureaucrats will be lazy. They are humans like you and me, and will only do what serves their chances of individual growth. They are simply not qualified to do most of the things we expect from them.

The mistake we have made therefore, is not in electing lousy people. It is in giving them too much power over our lives. It is in being dependent on government for all the wrong things. For every thing. Thereby endangering our real needs like our physical security.

Let us see what would happen if we limited government to the protection of the three key rights. Especially in the light of the attack on Mumbai. Firstly, freedom of speech would ensure that religious beliefs and fanaticism can be openly discussed. In today’s world, the moment something becomes a question of ‘faith’, it becomes a taboo subject. We tread gingerly in order to avoid hurting anyone’s sentiments. Not because we are sensitive, but because we are scared. The moment any group of people decides to get offended, they are free to unleash mob violence. Sometimes, this is even enforced by the state itself, through censorship and bans. If government protected freedom of speech (action), we could have a free and frank discussion on our various communities and practices. So that there is mutual tolerance based on knowledge. Not mutual toleration based on fear. A community cannot feel alienated if everybody is discussing it. It feels alienated when nobody wants to understand it.

Secondly, the right to property would encourage individuals and entrepreneurs to take whatever measures they deem fit to protect their belongings. Of course, the police will be there to augment safety. I understand that no private security force may have the skills to resist attacks of this scale. But a true notion of private property would also motivate individuals and businesses to take some steps for preventive protection. This can only help. We will not have the current trend of shoving all responsibility to the government and then just whining when things go wrong.

And thirdly, the police force would be efficient. After all, they don’t have to worry about when bars are closing and whether women are singing and whether people are listening to music in their cars. Their goal will be focused and they’ll be equipped, trained and paid well for performing their one important task.

Incidentally, once we detach government from notions of ideology, and abstracts like socialism, secularism and other such things, there is no concept of 'terrorism' either. Terrorism will be stripped off its garb of ‘ideology’. Terrorists will be captured and punished for what they are – armed thugs who are violating other people’s rights to life and property. The political dimension can be completely removed.

A police force that only focuses on protecting people from harm would also ensure better community involvement in the process. Most people hate policemen these days. After all, the cops take protection money from traders. They harass couples in the night. They represent the might of a bully government. We fear them and suspect them because we see that their primary job is to control us. But imagine if the police were our friends. If their only job is to protect us, we would help them help us. People would report suspicious people or activities. We would approach the cops if something bothers us. We will not hesitate to 'get involved'. This community awareness and participation would in turn reinforce the efficiency of the police and a positive loop can be created towards greater security.

We would then become a society that uses government to liberate itself. But what do we have now? We have the government we deserve. We have a sheepdog because we choose to be sheep. We bleat impotently because that is the only power we have retained. We use platitudes like the spirit of Mumbai’ because we want to hide our helplessness behind euphemisms. Why do you think we carry on with our lives after every attack and atrocity? Not because of some noble spirit. Simply because we have no choice. What else is there to do.

I've heard many arguments against limited government. Once the security threat is forgotten, people will still want to impose their views through governmental force. They will ask, "How do we ensure that common resources are protected?" "How can we achieve social justice (whatever that means)?" "Isn’t this anarchy?"

No. It isn’t. The government that we discussed so far is the central government (with the state governments thrown in for administrative purposes). This does not mean communities cannot voluntarily organize themselves into cities and make whatever rules they think is for their good. A community can decide that it wants to pool-in money and build a park. It can decide that it will not allow loud music after 11pm or whatever. It can make any rules as long as the fundamental rights of the individual are not violated. The difference between a voluntary community (like a neighbourhood or a city) making rules and a country doing so is very simple. Communities compete for the talent of people. If I do not like the rules of a community, I can move somewhere else. I can take my talent, my innovation and my hard work elsewhere. Sheer competition for human resources will make every community strive towards providing a great quality of life to its voluntary inhabitants. But countries don’t work like that. I was born in this entity called India and I am only eligible for an Indian passport. Of course I can emigrate, but that involves a huge cost and effort. Even if I can pay it, not everyone can. Most people have no choice but to live in their country of birth. There is nothing voluntary about it. So a government, which runs a non-voluntary community, has no incentive to compete and provide a better quality of life to its citizens. Which means that the politicians will not do it. Let’s have a thousand cities that make rules. Let government just provide the underpinning of laws and rights. And do that well.

Another objection is the developmental one. The fact that private enterprise will not get into projects that are good for all but do not give profits immediately. Like roads or dams or whatever. Perhaps this is true. Let government get into this. But why as a monopoly? Maybe our country needed the government to run air services sixty years back (though I doubt it). But if the stated reason is that private enterprise aren’t capable of providing air services, then why use licenses and quotas to prevent them from trying in the first place? Isn’t that some kind of weird self-fulfilling logic? Let me reluctantly concede that in a large and poor country like ours, we need government investment in some areas. But why on earth do we need tax money spent on these areas after private players have come in and are providing great service. Why, for instance, do we need BSNL now? Gratitude? Isn’t that bizarre, considering it’s our tax money that was spent earlier and is being spent now? So let the government invest in infra-structure, but till and only till private enterprise is in a position to take over. A private monopoly is still threatened by nimble competition. A legalized government monopoly has absolutely no reason to be efficient. As Milton Friedman said, "If you put the federal government in charge of the Sahara Desert, in 5 years there'd be a shortage of sand."

A third objection is the so-called humanitarian one. How do we help the ‘have-nots’ or the victims of natural disasters? Don’t we need government for that? So the government will magnanimously donate resources. But excuse me. The government doesn’t have any resources. It does not create any wealth. The only money it has is the tax that is coerced from us. So what gives it the right to use my money for charity without my consent. Let’s put it this way. If a person wants to give charity he can do so anyway. If he doesn’t want to give charity, then nobody can force it out of him. If the majority wants to give charity let them do so by all means. But how can even one person be looted of his money (through tax) because the majority wants to give it to someone else? How is it humanitarian to rob one human and give it to another? There is a related argument that government is needed to channelize the charity. This is absurd because there are more than enough voluntary organizations that will probably do a better job. If the market allows it, there may even be meta-charity outfits that specialize in coordinating the efforts of other smaller charities.

The point is that we do not need government to make rules, we don't need it for development and we don't it them for redistribution. We need it to protect our life and liberty.

We have been through a traumatic week. But let us come out of this with some real changes. A few mindless heads rolling and a million symbolic gestures are not going to change anything. In these times of trouble let us not call for more government, more laws and more control. The more government we have, the less we feel the need to protect ourselves, be self-reliant, give charity, be considerate, be tolerant or be social. Because every law that is made makes us hand over some human virtue to the state. Every decree that we accept makes us a little less human.

The less government we have, the better we will live together. And most importantly, the more efficient that government would be, in protecting our life, our property and our freedom of action.

Note : There are numerous people writing about liberty on the internet. As I am a diligent reader of these posts, I am sure that I have borrowed many arguments and perhaps even exact phrases from them. Unfortunately I have no clue what I have borrowed from whom. My apologies to all of them for not being able to give credit where it is due.
While I have written one long, perhaps drawling article, Sauvik Chakraverti has written over three hundred beautiful ones on this subject. One of the best days I have had, is the day I spent going through his archive.

Update : I just read an article posted by K.M. which makes a related argument in a powerful manner. Here it is.

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It would be funny if it weren't so scary

1. Someone has started a group in facebook called "Say NO to terrorism." Its membership is swelling by the minute. Are its members promising to not indulge in terrorism ("say no to drugs" types)? Or is the group meant to inform terrorists (at least the ones who are on facebook) that there are people out there who don't like getting bombed. Thereby clearing their misconception that their victims enjoy their attacks. I'm scanning the list of members to see if Osama has joined.

2. Pratibha Patil has put our minds at ease by "strongly condemning" the terror attacks. She probably thought that we were sick with apprehension that she might applaud it. The Deccan Mujaheddin are now expected to be completely demoralized by this presidential rebuke.

3. Manmohan Singh has "called" for the establishment of a federal investigation agency. Uh? Who is he "calling"? Isn't he the guy who is supposed to set it up? And preferably have set it up by now. It's like Emperor Nero "calling" for the establishment of a fire department.

4. Commandos are landing on the Nariman Building. They seem to be tip-toeing down. They are communicating to each other through hand signals. Secrecy & surprise are paramount. And NDTV is showing this live!!! With informative commentary on how many commandos have landed and so on. Perhaps NDTV's research has shown that terrorists only watch cartoon network during missions.

5. Shivraj Patil is peeved that the terrorists didn't hang around in the Cama Hospital & CST till he landed up. He is probably extremely upset about this grave breach of protocol. Which is why, his description of the events has been "most disturbing". Reminds me of Humphry Appleby.

6. The CII Chief Mentor, Tarun Das, has suggested that many conferences should be held to combat terrorism. I presume they will meet all day in exotic but safe spots and come out with a resolution condemning terrorism. There goes Al Qaeda's chances on getting listed in the BSE.

7. While all the TV channels have been uniformly hysterical, Barkha Dutt seems to have emerged as the first among equals in the race for the most words with the least sense. By asking the relatives of hostages bizarre questions - "How do you feel?" and "What will you do if your husband doesn't come out?"  - she has piled insensitivity on top of stupidity. Basically the thugs have taken the hostages and the media is spreading the terror.

Sat morning

The fighting seems to be over. Now I guess the battles will begin.

One news channel is showing the corpse of a terrorist and claims that the death of this particular terrorist symbolizes the death of terror. NDTV has changed its caption from "War Zone" to "Enough is enough". Which, strangely, is what most people have been telling them.

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100-word Election Speeches - Part 1

It’s a-polling time again. Elections are around the corner and they promise to drive us round the bend. Bearded newsreaders are turning into psephologists and exorcists are now calling themselves “booth capturers”. Distilleries are ramping up production and there is a buzz of anticipation everywhere. But in today’s fast-paced world of snack-sized entertainment, who has the time for long boring campaign speeches. In tune with the times, all parties are preparing short sound-bytes of under 100 words. Here are the offerings of the big three.

Advani – Namaste. I urge you to vote for the BJP so that we can create history ..er..literally. We will go back to the glory of the Vedas. During the polls, we propose to use the Rig-Veda. And after the polls, we promise to distribute idli-veda. All parliamentary proceedings will start with prayer. In fact, we will rename the parliament Shlok Sabha. Give us a chance. All of us are not communal. Our own party is split into extremists and Modirates. So, vote for us. Please lotus rule this time and I promise you Ram Rajya.

Sonia – Ram Rajya? He must be Tutti-Frutti. I’ll give you Rome Rajya. My party is about reform. Economic Reform – Liberalization will move pasta. Judicial reform - Cases will be tried by azzuri of peers. Land reform - All farmers will get a pizza land. Poverty alleviation – All poor people will get at least a Pavarotti to eat (Italy-vada for the Madrasis). Tourism Development – We’ll open many risotto everywhere. Brothers & sisters, I’m sure you will all vote for me. I feel Sonia to power. But remember, come to the polling booth on time. Don’t be latte.

Mayawati (seated on her plush, red caste-ing couch) – Brahmins, Dalits & OBCs, thanks for coming. Baniyaas, I Vaishya were here. Amar Singh calls my rule Scam Rajya. He has gone Mulayam in the head. As you see, I am the one in the corridors of power. I blocked the coach factory only because I thought it was supposed to manufacture Greg Chappels. If you elect me, I promise efficiency. If you break your hand, you’ll get a scheduled cast. I’ll trim bureaucracy. It will have no OBCeety problem. I’ll build numerous statues honouring scholars and Daliterary achievements. So please caste your vote for me and remember – To BSP is not be SP.

Part 2 with some more er... leaders.

Part 3 with even more.

Disclaimer : Please do not take this post literally. I've just used figures of speech. Or perhaps speeches of figures. Whatever.

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Salman Khan for Prime Minister

Yeah, what’s the harm in that? MGR was cut-out to rule TN. Jayalalitha loomed large after him. NTR introduced Rama Rajya in AP much before the BJP coined the phrase. Now Chiranjeevi has jumped into the action. Govinda has been MP No. 1. Jaya Prada, Shatrughan Sinha, Dharmendra… The list is endless. So why not go all the way and get Salmaan Khan to rule the country. Here is a speech that he could use while campaigning.

Deer Voter,

I stand before you with open arms and bare chest to seek your vote. We have heard enough about Rama Rajya. What I promise you is Drama Rajya. You will all get enough Khan-a and peena. And plenty of gaana too. In order to improve the ratings of Lok Sabha TV, I will put together the most attractive council of ministers ever.

I, Salman, will personally look after finance. I promise to sternly punish income tax evasion. There will be no black-bucks in this country.

My friend Shahrukh will take over the home ministry. He will ensure that there are no riots. No hate. Only love. Love. Regardless of age, caste, religion or er…gender. He will ensure peace. There will be Home-Shanti-Home.

Sunjay Dutt will handle the defence portfolio. He is an opinionated fellow, so he’ll never sit on de-fence. He will ensure that we are always armed and ready. He deserves the TADAsaheb Phalke award.

Dharmendra will take over animal welfare. He has promised to drink the khoon of any kamina who harms a kuttha. And to take good care of all soovar ke baccheys.

Aishwarya Rai, will be the minister for environment. No one can doubt her love for trees. She will ban weeding, and encourage wedding.

Foreign affairs will be handled by Neena Gupta. She has a Viv-id perspective in this area.

Rakhi Sawant will be put in charge of rural development. She has constantly worked for the upliftment of the masses.

The health portfolio will be handled by Saif Ali Khan. He has promised to examine potato chips and pronounce them as completely Saif.

You might wonder why Amitabh has not been mentioned so far. That is because the Big B will be my nomination for the President of India. To ensure that Raj Thackeray will allow him to return to Mumbai after his term, Amitabhji has requested that be referred to not as Rasthtrapati but as Maharashtrapati.

With this star-studded council of ministers, I promise you a lot of action. Every village will get lights and every villager a plot. We will open a dialogue with Pakistan. Our industries will improve their production. And the country will have some direction.

Vote for me. Together we Khan.

Disclaimer : All characters in the speech are figments of Salman Khan's imagination.

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Manmohan calls Customer Service

The intellectual, soon-to-be U.S. president Obama (whose visiting card, in India, would have said "O  B.A., M.A.") calls and our PM could not take the call because he was traveling. Vodafone he has!!! After 4 years as PM, he doesn’t even have roaming. What is he? A sub-prime minister? Anyway, Manmohan decides to rectify this and many other problems with his phone. He makes a call to customer service. 

Tring tring.

Husky Female Voice : Thank you for calling Vodafone. If you want to continue in English press 1. Hindi mein jaankari ke liye 2 dabaeeye. Woof bow wow bark woof 3 bow-wow.

Manmohan presses 1.

HFV : If you are an existing subscriber press 1...(and so on and on and on)

After pressing more buttons than a liftman in the Empire State Building, Manmohan finally gets through to a customer service officer.

CSO (in the tone of a waiter in an Udipi restaurant rattling off the menu) : Thank-you-for-calling-Vodafone-this-is-Rakesh-here-how-may-I-help-you?

Manmohan Singh : Namaste. This is Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

CSO : Yeah sure. And this is the dog from our TVC.

MS : Please don’t be pugnacious. I really am Manmohan Singh.

CSO (skeptically) : Er…is that so? In that case, you will have to answer a secret question to verify your identity.

MS : Go ahead.

CSO : What colour is your favourite turban?

MS : Light Blue.

CSO (startled) : Ofwwrwgf. You are Manmohan Singh. How may I help you sir?

MS : You see, I have some technical doubts regarding my phone. I checked with my Minister for Technology - Kapil Sibal. But he was busy allocating spectrum. He tells me Reliance is going to be given violet and Tata gets indigo. Anyway, coming back to the issue, I would like a tech person to visit me and configure my phone for me.

CSO : Sure sir. Happy to help. Could you tell me what you need? So that I can brief the technician.

MS : Sure. Firstly, I am getting very confused with all the ministers’ names. You see, I have 78 ministers. 30 of them are in my cabinet (which of course, leaves room for nothing but one spare blue turban).  To make my life easier, I want to store their names as nicknames.

CSO : That can be done sir. Why nicknames?

MS : It’s easier to remember them that way. I want Lalu stored as “fodder of the nation”, Arjun Singh as “reservation counter”, Ramadoss as “banned-it king” and so on.

CSO : Can be done. Er…sorry for overstepping my bounds sir. I know I’m just a mere citizen, but why do you keep so many of these people? Why, for instance, do you need Kamal Nath.

MS : Why not, I say. He follows customs. He does his duty. That’s what commerce needs.

CSO : Er… Shivraj Patil?

MS (indignantly) : Please!!! After seeing how Obama won, I am convinced that we need Shivraj. He represents the 'change' platform. Moreover, as home minister, he has redressed every grievance.

CSO : er… I see. Sharad…?

MS : Oh, that Pawar hungry fellow. I don’t really need him. I put him in agriculture only so that our cricket team will do better. You would notice that these days, our players dig themselves in and plough through the opposition. In fact we will be top seeds in the next world cup. All this is because Sharad is the agriculture minister. Imagine what would happen if I gave him fisheries.

CSO : But what about the farmers?

MS : Aw. They are just a confused crop. They drink pesticide and spray Coca-Cola on their plants. Coming back to my problems… I would also like to upgrade from 2G to 3G.

CSO : 3G hasn’t been launched yet sir. Why the hurry?

MS : Oh, no real hurry. So far, 2G was enough. I had only Sonia-ji & Rahul-ji to call. But I heard Priyanka-ji may enter politics. So I just want to be prepared.

CSO : Umm. Noted sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes, yes. I would also like to have different ringback tones for different people. When Prakash Karat calls, I want him to hear “cheeni kum”. It’s good advice for him. Heh Heh. Amar Singh should hear “naach meri bull bull, tujhe paisa milega.” And so on.

CSO : Sure sir. And if Sonia calls…

MS : “Maa tujhe salaam.” And oh, before I forget, I want roaming activated.

CSO (surprised) : You still don’t have roaming sir?

MS (a bit apologetically) : Well, you know, roam wasn’t built in a day. In fact, I’m not a-loan in waivering on this. Chidambaram also doesn’t have roaming. You see, it’s not in our common minimum programme. So whenever I tried to get the facility, the left told me it wasn’t right. I used to think that I could manage without roaming because BSNL had installed a phone in Air India One. But I found out only last week that it was a landline. And silly me, I thought it never worked during flights because it had no air-time.

CSO : We’ll set it up right away sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes. Er… could your technician also teach me how to put the phone in silent mode. You see, the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy. So with all the buying and selling these days, I get calls non-stop. Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound. Heh Heh,

CSO : Of course. Of course. Thank you for calling sir. I’ll send the technician over. Where exactly do you stay.

MS (exasperated) : Obviously Race Course Road. The best address for horse-trading.

CSO : Sure sir. Thank-you-for-calling-vodafone-have-a-nice-day.

Disclaimer : The above conversation didn't really take place. It is completely phone-y.
References : If you don't follow Indian politics, this post will make no sense to you (please note that this statement does not imply that this post will make sense if you do follow Indian politics). In that case, do mention it in your comments and I will add the necessary links.

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Ramadoss meets Devadoss

Scene : Flower decked khota in Kolkata. Devadoss has just walked in and ordered some sharaab, shabaab and kabaab. He closes his eyes in blissful anticipation of a debauched night that will help him forget Paro. A prod to his ribs makes him open his eyes. Instead of the seductive Chandramukhi, there’s a middle-aged man with a strict moustache eyeing him critically. Devadoss is stupefied. 

Devadoss : Hey, who are you? Where’s Chandramukhi?

Ramadoss (graciously) : Good evening. I am Anbumani Ramadoss. Anbu means love in Tamil. So when I heard that this place gives anbu for money, I realized it’s the right place for Anbumani. Hehehe. Incidentally I’ll be your host for the evening.

D : You???? But this is a pleasure palace. It’s a Khota.

R : Not anymore. We have changed the classification of this place from khota to quota. Therefore I have control over it. And believe me, I am going to make this a model institution. With noble AIIMS.

D : Er, how?

R (accusingly) : By sanitizing you. Just look at you. Riddled with vice. You drink, you smoke, you love. And society has to bear the cost. People like you are a parasite on society. And believe me, as host, I know all about parasites.

D : Parasite???

R (patronizingly) : Yes. You belong to society. Your labour belongs to society. You are supposed to work and pay taxes. Not waste your time wooing women. You are supposed to be productive, not reproductive.

D : But I am too sad to work. Ever since my girlfriend left me, my life has declined in every parometer. (No pun intended. It’s just his Bong accent)

R : Shame on you. Don’t you know that love is bad for health. It generates an excess of hormones, pheromones and ecstatic moans. In fact, we have already banned it in all public places. Heh Heh. Ramadoss what others can’t.

D : Oh forget Paro, can I have Chandramukhi? At least that is pure lust. There’s no love involved.

R : Sorry. No unhealthy exchange of fluids. Especially on a commercial basis. We cannot allow people to sell their bodies. It’s indecent, immoral and untaxable.

D : Er… what exactly am I to do for.... you know... my physical needs?

R (conspiratorially) : Well if you want to do some naughty things with Chunnibabu, I can help you there. After all, the more gay you are, the less sad you’ll be.

D : No thank you. Lemme just puff a few melancholy drags on my hookah.

R : Hey, do you ever read the newspapers? Don’t you know that smoking is also banned. Especially by someone like you who is a fictional character in Bollywood.

D : No hookers and no hookahs??? What am I supposed to do here?

R : Why are you asking me? Do whatever. Just don’t break any law.

D : Okay. Okay. Cool it. Can Chandramukhi at least dance for me?

R (a bit apologetically) : Er… I don’t know how to break this to you but that is also banned. Not by me though. I think dancing is good exercise but some of my mates felt that it would take us back to the dark ages of Khajuraho & Kamasutra. However, if you do want to do a quick Salsa with Chunnibabu…

D : …No. No. Anything but that. Some music?

R (triumphantly) : Banned. In fact that was easy. They wanted music bands. We just banned music instead.

D : C’mon man. Why do you call yourself host? Will you at least pour me a glass of wine.

R : Sorry. Alcohol is bad for society. I don’t want to see anyone in front of bars. Only behind them. You’ll just have to gin & beer it… er… I mean grin & bear it.

D : Listen, if I can’t get a woman, a smoke, some dance, music or even wine, how exactly do I drown my sorrows.

R : Well, I’ve only banned wine. You are allowed to whine. All you want.

D : Aaaaargh. I’m out of here.

R : Aww. Go to health.

Disclaimer : All the above characters are fictitious and any resemblance to any other fictitious characters and union ministers is entirely coincidental.

Reference : If you have no clue who Devadoss is, you can read about the character he coincidentally resembles here.

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The student, the toiler, the soldier, the leader.

I was languidly watching the test match wither away into a draw when suddenly the news flashed that Anil Kumble has decided to retire. We knew it was coming. In fact, some were even giving blatantly subtle hints about it. But regardless of how much we anticipate the retirement of a great cricketer, it still leaves a sense of disbelief when it actually happens. There is a sense of loss that we won’t see that famous run up again. So while the news channels are quickly making edits of “Chak De India” to play tonight with visuals of his ten-wicket haul, while ex-cricketers are hastily sheathing their barbs and polishing their tributes, and while Mallya is wondering if he will save some money on the Royal Challengers budget, here is my piece on a man I admire.

Anil Kumble and Sachin Tendulkar transformed Indian cricket in the 90s. Sachin showed us glimpses of the impossible. He was the magician who lived in a world which seemed illusory to us. A world of what could be. Kumble, on the other hand, lived in our imperfect world. He too was a magician. But his brand of magic was about what is. He showed us how reality could be exploited; how adversity could be ground into submission by human will. His was the art of the possible.

He was the student. Ever attentive. Ever curious. Ever experimentative. A generation which had been bred on the nostalgia of the wizardly spin quartet and then faced the disappointment of unfulfilled genius like L.Siva, Hirwani & Maninder had trouble relating to a spinner who didn’t really spin the ball much. But this gentle, bespectacled player showed us that accuracy can make up for turn. Control can make up for flight. Once he was in the team, he was the team.

He was the toiler. Labouring away on seamer friendly pitches abroad and batsman friendly pitches at home. All I remember of his spells were endless, fruitless overs for three days where he stoically bottled one end up for hours on end with no emotion, no sign of tiredness and nearly no wickets. And suddenly things would change on the fourth and fifth days. The benevolent giant suddenly became vicious. The ball would start hopping, leaping, spitting and shooting. There would be six fielders around the bat. And Kumble would spin India to victory.

He was the warrior. Broad shouldered. Big hearted. And fearless. He fought in lost causes. He fought in dead battles. He fought his own limitations. He fought with injury. He fought through injury. In fact, his last wicket was the mark of a soldier. He ran back to catch a skier in spite of the fact that he had eleven stitches in his left hand. For Kumble, the game was not a lucrative contest. It was gentlemanly war.

He was the leader. Towards the end of his career, he was elevated to captaincy as a stop-gap arrangement. As a bridge between the frustration of Dravid and the hope of Dhoni . In these difficult times, he brought a rare dignity to his role. He took a disarrayed cricket team and united them with a skeleton of hard metal.  

All great players have their trademarks. The image we remember them by. Like Lara’s backlift, Kapil’s leap, and Sachin’s lofted drive. The image that will always come to my mind when I think of Kumble is his walk back to his run up. The moment when he tosses the ball a couple of times and gets ready to try yet again. And his unbounded joy when he got a wicket. Even his 619th one.

Kumble never enjoyed the adulation that we Indians reserve for geniuses. Ours is a culture which values flamboyance over grit, elan over hard work, Boris Becker over Ivan Lendll, ease over persistence and looks over character. So we have always downplayed his achievements, ridiculed his skills and ignored his greatness. Kumble never enjoyed the mob frenzy that others got. No one burnt effigies when he was dropped. He never told us which soft drink to consume or which shaving cream to use. 

That’s ok. Kumble was not cut out to be a model. There are many of those. He belongs to that much rarer species - a role model.

Pics courtesy Zee News, Sky Sports, Hindu & NIC

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Just who is the public?

The smoker is not public. He's a disease-spewing addict who needs to be banished to dark corners. He will be ostracised.

The homosexual is not public. He's a deviant who needs to be driven into the closet. He will be denied medical care.

The artist is not public. He's just an inconsiderate lout who needs to be taught not to offend anyone's sensibilities. He will be mobbed.

The missionary is not public. He's an evil do-gooder who lures innocent illiterates from their true religion by promising them food, clothing, education & dignity. He will be slaughtered.

The immigrant is not public. He is an invader who has come to corrupt culture by talking, dressing & behaving differently. He will be looted.

The youth are not public. They are just wastrels of voting age who are abandoning the lifestyle we have championed for 5000 years. They will be jailed.

The rich are not public. They are merely achievers who use their wealth to wallow in decadence and luxury. They will be curbed.

The poor are not public. They are ignorant animals who will be kept in poverty so that their servility is permanent. They will be exploited.

Who then is the public? In whose name are the laws of our land made? Whose good do they mean when they talk of the 'greater good'?

The corrupt. The fanatic. The bigot. The intolerant. The powerful. The numerous. The mob. 

Yup, it makes sense. The mob is the majority. And democracy, they say, is rule by the majority.

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