Rationalizing Government - A Leaner, Meaner Council of Ministers

Warning : This is a long post. But then it is an ambitious task.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe.

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The 'food' portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

3. Our tribal belt is more or less controlled by naxalites (with whom we even have ceasefires once in a while). The Ministry of External Affairs will therefore take over the Ministry of Tribal Affairs. And for the same reason, the Ministry for Development of the North Eastern Region too. Mamata Bannerjee will take over this portfolio. She may not know much about tribes but is wonderful at diatribe.

4. Our national defence appears to largely constitute of words, threats, accusations & codemnations. The I&B Ministry will therefore be brought under the aegis of the Defence Ministry. Kalyan Singh can head this because he currently seems to be sitting on de-fence. He will also be given the Ministry of Petroleum to fuel rumours. And the Ministry of Textiles to effect cover-ups. Kalyan will get the added responsibility of Sports because he seems to show some potential in the triple-jump.

5. The Ministry of HRD and the Ministry for Social Justice & Empowerment are euphemisms for imposing reservation. They will hence be subsumed into the Ministry for Railways. Lalu can continue to head this as he is …er…well-trained.

6. The Ministry of Power will become a giant ministry. Parliamentary Affairs will be added to it, as political power is the only kind of power that is available in this country. And once Parliamentary Affairs is added, Natural Gas obviously comes in. Our government is usually formed by parties with no majority. Hence Minority Affairs is added here. And the constant rifts & alliances make this the logical place for the fission & fusion of the Dept. of Atomic Energy. This mega-ministry can, however, lead to megalomania. So Sharad Pawar will run it. He has a reassuring name that sounds like ‘shared power’.

7. In line with the various subsidies, sops & waivers, the Ministry of Finance will now also include Public Distribution (or redistribution, to be precise). The Ministry of Steel will be renamed the Ministry of Steal, and added to this portfolio. The Ministry of Mines will also be brought in here. In any case, whatever we earn, the FM thinks, “It’s mine.” Ramalinga Raju will be put in charge of this ministry because he is an expert in…er…‘creating’ wealth.

8. The Ministry of Agriculture shall merge with the Ministry for Water Resources and the Ministry for Chemicals & Fertilizers. After all our farmers need water for their crops to drink and chemicals for er… themselves. Indra Nooyi can be invited to run this. Her stint in Pepsi has given her great understanding of sugar, water & pesticides.

9. The Ministry of Tourism and the Ministry of Housing & Urban Poverty Alleviation will be merged. After all, a lot of the urban poor are currently staying in our monuments. Noting the fact that more people visit Infosys than Taj Mahal, Narayanmoorthy will assume charge of this ministry. And because of that, we shall also bung in the Ministry of Science & Technology as well as the Ministry of Communication & IT. May he bring ROM Rajya to our country.

10. The Ministry of Shipping, Road Transport & Highways and the Ministry for Civil Aviation will be brought under The Ministry for Overseas Indian Affairs. This is because, if an Indian wants to see roads, highways or some civility in aviation, he has to go overseas anyway. Sonia Gandhi will run this augmented Ministry of Overseas Indian Affairs because she even married an overseas Indian.

11. The Ministry for Urban Development with be merged with Ministry for Food Processing Industries because all our cities are one big jam. Deve Gowda can head this one and continue to put us all in a pickle. The Ministry of Space will be added here because he has a lot of it (between his ears). Deve Gowda will also get the Ministry for Rural Development because he has painstakingly converted many cities into rural areas.

12. The Ministry for Commerce & Industry will be made part of the Ministry for Micro, Small & Medium Enterprises. This is because our government diligently ensures that all our industries stay small & medium. Prakash Karat will run this ministry because he has the right attitude – he views every growth as a cancer. The Ministry of Labour & Employment will be added here to help him push his agenda. And the Ministry of Pensions because a lot of people wish that Karat took his and retired.

13. The Ministry for Heavy Industries & Public Enterprises will now also include the Ministry of Planning. This would enable them to do some heavy planning with little industry. The Ministry of Personnel will be added here because our public enterprises have a lot of public but no enterprise. Vijay Mallya will run this as he his very heavy and very public.

14. We often wonder why on earth we are still harping on Panchayat Raj. So it is logical to merge the Ministry for Panchayat Raj with the Ministry of Earth Sciences. Raj Thackeray can run this because he could also be called Punch-ayat Raj. And he is good at slinging mud. A true son of the soil.

15. There are a few things that we completely lack today but we fondly wish we had sometime in the future. Like wind power, solar power & justice. These will be clubbed into one Ministry. Comprising what was previously the Ministry for New & Renewable Energy and the Ministry for Law & Justice. Bejan Daruwala will run this futuristic ministry.

Phew. Finally we are down to just 15 ministries. This honest, simplified structure would make our government leaner and enable them to become meaner.

Oops, I forgot about the Ministry of Coal. Let's close it down and transfer its responsibilities to the Election Commissioner Navin Chawla. After all, he’s constantly answering nature’s coal.

Disclaimer : Obviously this is fictional. Look at the title. How can anything that has rational & government in the same sentence be true? After all, if we demand rationality from politicians, they’ll ask us to try the ration shop.

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New Indian Nursery Rhymes - 1

Nursery rhymes, they say, are old legends and stories passed down orally. Well, with all that's happening around us, shouldn't we be modifying them so that they reflect today's stories instead of old irrelevant European stuff? Here are a few of my submissions.

Based on "Jack & Jill".

Lalu & Rabri could pay any bill,
As they'd made a pile on fodder.
But Lalu fell down and lost his crown,
And Rabri ruled Bihar thereafter.

Based on "Rain, Rain Go Away".

Rane, Rane go away.
Come again another day.
Ashok Chavan wants to play,
Rane, Rane go away.

Based on "Mary had a Little Lamb".

Sonia had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb.
Sonia had a little lamb, whose turban was always blue.
Whatever that Sonia said, Sonia said, Sonia said.
Whatever that Sonia said, the lamb was sure to do.

Based on "Hot Cross Buns".

Oft cause bans. Oft cause bans.
Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.
If it's not for smoking,
It'll be for eating junk.
But Anbumani, Anbumani,
Will oft cause bans.

Based on "I'm a Little Teapot".

I’m the MNS despot, every law I flout.
These are my thugs and this is my snout
When I get steamed up, hear me shout.
But when there's real trouble, count me out.

More to come. In Part 2.

Disclaimer : This post does not claim to be a description of real people and events. It is just childish nonsense. Like our you-know-whos.

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Shivraj Patil versus Sardar Patel

It’s late evening. Shivraj Patil is walking down a tree-lined street in Lutyens Delhi. He has a confused expression on his usually serene face. Sonia Gandhi had earlier said to him, “Go home.” What did she mean? Was she relieving him of his porfolio? Or was she cheering his ministry? And more importantly, should he wear the dark-blue Bandhgala tomorrow or should it be the black one?

Suddenly there is a flash, and there appears in front of him a bald man with a Ferrous expression. Shivraj notices that the apparition is clad in crude, homespun clothes which are disturbingly crumpled.

Shivraj Patil (raising his eyebrows) : And who might you be oh ill-dressed man?

Vallabhai Patel (sonorously) : I am the spirit of Sardar Patel. The first home minister of independent India. I have come to rebuke you on your terrible performance in the same role.

SP : Fiddledeedee. You are talking through your hat. I have comported myself with dignity, decorum and dandiness. I was a much better home-minister than you ever were.

VP (aghast) : What?! I’ll have you know sir, that I united the country.

SP : Yeah yeah. So did I. Read the papers. Watch TV. Every single person has called for my resignation. Isn’t that true unity?

VP : Well, …er… but people adored me. I was called the Iron Man of India.

SP : Teehee, I too am an Iron man. Check the crisp crease that I have achieved on my sleeve.

VP : C'mon, you know what I mean. Where would Junagadh & Hyderabad be without me?

SP : And where would Gwalior be without me. And er… Raymonds & Vimal.

VP : You know the problem with you? You're pathetic in a crisis. Why did you reach Cama Hospital so late, that the terrorists got impatient and left?

SP (shiftily) : Oh, I had ..um.. pressing… matters to attend to. Some details had to be.. ah.. ironed out. I had to consult the rest of my wardrobe.. I mean cabinet. So I was a bit delayed.

VP : Seriously, can you tell me, why do you have this obsession with clothes?

SP : Look. Gandhi said something like, “Be the change that you want to see.” I just follow his advice. Sometimes thrice in one hour. Especially if there is some mudslinging going on.

VP : Ok. Ok. Leave your clothes aside. Why didn’t you carry out Mohammad Afzal’s execution?

SP : Like you, I was waiting for instructions from a Gandhi. They screamed, “Hang him.” I said, “Hang on.” (which incidentally is an anagram of Sonia Gandhi)

VP : Leave Afzal. What about all the other terrorists? Why are you so soft on them?

SP (indignantly) : Who said that I was soft on them? Soon after taking up office, I announced that I was ready for meaningful intercourse with the terrorists. Which is just a dignified way of saying that I will f… you know what I mean… like have Congress with them. (shakes his head) I'm a much misunderstood man.

VP : Oh spare me your tears. I shudder to think that you nearly became the President of India.

SP (wistfully) : Ah. A ceremonial job. I'd have been good at that. Such jobs really appeal to my pansy.

VP : Oh I’ve had enough of your inanities. Obviously I was the better home minister.

SP : Excuse me. Let’s sort this out once and for all. I’m the best home minister India ever had. Simply because, I ensured that people stayed at home. You see, they were too scared to step out. "Home" minister. Get it. Teeheehee (prods Patel). So, go rust in peace, oh iron man.

Sardar Patel is crestfallen. He vanishes in a puff of smoke. Shivraj looks around nervously, in case Ramadoss got a whiff of the puff, and carries on walking. Whistling “Hurry Home Hurry.”

Disclaimer : The ghost of Sardar Patel is as fictional as superman, spiderman and Shivraj's spine.
Additional Reading : A list of Patil's gaffes (Economic Times).

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100-word Election Speeches - Part 1

It’s a-polling time again. Elections are around the corner and they promise to drive us round the bend. Bearded newsreaders are turning into psephologists and exorcists are now calling themselves “booth capturers”. Distilleries are ramping up production and there is a buzz of anticipation everywhere. But in today’s fast-paced world of snack-sized entertainment, who has the time for long boring campaign speeches. In tune with the times, all parties are preparing short sound-bytes of under 100 words. Here are the offerings of the big three.

Advani – Namaste. I urge you to vote for the BJP so that we can create history ..er..literally. We will go back to the glory of the Vedas. During the polls, we propose to use the Rig-Veda. And after the polls, we promise to distribute idli-veda. All parliamentary proceedings will start with prayer. In fact, we will rename the parliament Shlok Sabha. Give us a chance. All of us are not communal. Our own party is split into extremists and Modirates. So, vote for us. Please lotus rule this time and I promise you Ram Rajya.

Sonia – Ram Rajya? He must be Tutti-Frutti. I’ll give you Rome Rajya. My party is about reform. Economic Reform – Liberalization will move pasta. Judicial reform - Cases will be tried by azzuri of peers. Land reform - All farmers will get a pizza land. Poverty alleviation – All poor people will get at least a Pavarotti to eat (Italy-vada for the Madrasis). Tourism Development – We’ll open many risotto everywhere. Brothers & sisters, I’m sure you will all vote for me. I feel Sonia to power. But remember, come to the polling booth on time. Don’t be latte.

Mayawati (seated on her plush, red caste-ing couch) – Brahmins, Dalits & OBCs, thanks for coming. Baniyaas, I Vaishya were here. Amar Singh calls my rule Scam Rajya. He has gone Mulayam in the head. As you see, I am the one in the corridors of power. I blocked the coach factory only because I thought it was supposed to manufacture Greg Chappels. If you elect me, I promise efficiency. If you break your hand, you’ll get a scheduled cast. I’ll trim bureaucracy. It will have no OBCeety problem. I’ll build numerous statues honouring scholars and Daliterary achievements. So please caste your vote for me and remember – To BSP is not be SP.

Part 2 with some more er... leaders.

Part 3 with even more.

Disclaimer : Please do not take this post literally. I've just used figures of speech. Or perhaps speeches of figures. Whatever.

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Manmohan calls Customer Service

The intellectual, soon-to-be U.S. president Obama (whose visiting card, in India, would have said "O  B.A., M.A.") calls and our PM could not take the call because he was traveling. Vodafone he has!!! After 4 years as PM, he doesn’t even have roaming. What is he? A sub-prime minister? Anyway, Manmohan decides to rectify this and many other problems with his phone. He makes a call to customer service. 

Tring tring.

Husky Female Voice : Thank you for calling Vodafone. If you want to continue in English press 1. Hindi mein jaankari ke liye 2 dabaeeye. Woof bow wow bark woof 3 bow-wow.

Manmohan presses 1.

HFV : If you are an existing subscriber press 1...(and so on and on and on)

After pressing more buttons than a liftman in the Empire State Building, Manmohan finally gets through to a customer service officer.

CSO (in the tone of a waiter in an Udipi restaurant rattling off the menu) : Thank-you-for-calling-Vodafone-this-is-Rakesh-here-how-may-I-help-you?

Manmohan Singh : Namaste. This is Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India.

CSO : Yeah sure. And this is the dog from our TVC.

MS : Please don’t be pugnacious. I really am Manmohan Singh.

CSO (skeptically) : Er…is that so? In that case, you will have to answer a secret question to verify your identity.

MS : Go ahead.

CSO : What colour is your favourite turban?

MS : Light Blue.

CSO (startled) : Ofwwrwgf. You are Manmohan Singh. How may I help you sir?

MS : You see, I have some technical doubts regarding my phone. I checked with my Minister for Technology - Kapil Sibal. But he was busy allocating spectrum. He tells me Reliance is going to be given violet and Tata gets indigo. Anyway, coming back to the issue, I would like a tech person to visit me and configure my phone for me.

CSO : Sure sir. Happy to help. Could you tell me what you need? So that I can brief the technician.

MS : Sure. Firstly, I am getting very confused with all the ministers’ names. You see, I have 78 ministers. 30 of them are in my cabinet (which of course, leaves room for nothing but one spare blue turban).  To make my life easier, I want to store their names as nicknames.

CSO : That can be done sir. Why nicknames?

MS : It’s easier to remember them that way. I want Lalu stored as “fodder of the nation”, Arjun Singh as “reservation counter”, Ramadoss as “banned-it king” and so on.

CSO : Can be done. Er…sorry for overstepping my bounds sir. I know I’m just a mere citizen, but why do you keep so many of these people? Why, for instance, do you need Kamal Nath.

MS : Why not, I say. He follows customs. He does his duty. That’s what commerce needs.

CSO : Er… Shivraj Patil?

MS (indignantly) : Please!!! After seeing how Obama won, I am convinced that we need Shivraj. He represents the 'change' platform. Moreover, as home minister, he has redressed every grievance.

CSO : er… I see. Sharad…?

MS : Oh, that Pawar hungry fellow. I don’t really need him. I put him in agriculture only so that our cricket team will do better. You would notice that these days, our players dig themselves in and plough through the opposition. In fact we will be top seeds in the next world cup. All this is because Sharad is the agriculture minister. Imagine what would happen if I gave him fisheries.

CSO : But what about the farmers?

MS : Aw. They are just a confused crop. They drink pesticide and spray Coca-Cola on their plants. Coming back to my problems… I would also like to upgrade from 2G to 3G.

CSO : 3G hasn’t been launched yet sir. Why the hurry?

MS : Oh, no real hurry. So far, 2G was enough. I had only Sonia-ji & Rahul-ji to call. But I heard Priyanka-ji may enter politics. So I just want to be prepared.

CSO : Umm. Noted sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes, yes. I would also like to have different ringback tones for different people. When Prakash Karat calls, I want him to hear “cheeni kum”. It’s good advice for him. Heh Heh. Amar Singh should hear “naach meri bull bull, tujhe paisa milega.” And so on.

CSO : Sure sir. And if Sonia calls…

MS : “Maa tujhe salaam.” And oh, before I forget, I want roaming activated.

CSO (surprised) : You still don’t have roaming sir?

MS (a bit apologetically) : Well, you know, roam wasn’t built in a day. In fact, I’m not a-loan in waivering on this. Chidambaram also doesn’t have roaming. You see, it’s not in our common minimum programme. So whenever I tried to get the facility, the left told me it wasn’t right. I used to think that I could manage without roaming because BSNL had installed a phone in Air India One. But I found out only last week that it was a landline. And silly me, I thought it never worked during flights because it had no air-time.

CSO : We’ll set it up right away sir. Anything else?

MS : Yes. Er… could your technician also teach me how to put the phone in silent mode. You see, the Indian parliament is the best that money can buy. So with all the buying and selling these days, I get calls non-stop. Not just from the MPs but their vassals also. And you know, the MP vassal makes the greatest sound. Heh Heh,

CSO : Of course. Of course. Thank you for calling sir. I’ll send the technician over. Where exactly do you stay.

MS (exasperated) : Obviously Race Course Road. The best address for horse-trading.

CSO : Sure sir. Thank-you-for-calling-vodafone-have-a-nice-day.

Disclaimer : The above conversation didn't really take place. It is completely phone-y.
References : If you don't follow Indian politics, this post will make no sense to you (please note that this statement does not imply that this post will make sense if you do follow Indian politics). In that case, do mention it in your comments and I will add the necessary links.

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