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Sunday, May 31, 2009

Let's Hop Da

Dear Reader,

We've been 'putting' for some time at the Blogger Bar. The ambience is familiar, the waiters are our friends and the management has been tolerant.

But the time has come to hop. To check out another bar. The one called WordPress. I've heard they have better decor and a much better variety of drinks. All at the same reasonable rate (zero) as Blogger.

So let's settle the bill here and stagger on to the next bar. It might take a couple of days to get there. I'll probably stumble on the way. We might lose each other. But, what the heck. I'm sure we'll all get there somehow. 

I'm writing this post so that if you lose me during this hop, you know where to find me. But then again, if I screw things up, this post too will disappear. Aaaargh. Life is complex. I need a drink. 

OK. Let's go. See you there.

Ramesh

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Deconstruction of Election Symbols

The polling action is over. And the appolling auction begins. All parties will now cook the fragile egg of democracy by scrambling for power and poaching rival candidates. Like any sporting contest, all parties have a common goal but distinctive styles. And one can get an inkling of what to expect from them by deconstructing their election symbols. Here is a post-modern attempt...


THE HOPEFULS

HAND - The symbol of the Congress is the Hand. Or more precisely, the palm. Or even more precisely, an open palm. That is waiting to be greased. The five fingers represent the five guiding principles of the party - To keep entrepreneurship under its Thumb. Thus pushing up the consumer price Index after which they can announce sops. To occupy the Middle ground on all issues thereby staying clear of any principles. To Ring up Sonia before making any decision. And to pander to every Little whim of all their coalition partners. The Hand is intended to subliminally indicate that any parliament with too little Congressmen will behave in an underhand manner. Unfortunately, an excess of seats makes them high-handed. The party ran out of partners before the election and thus had no choice but to use its Hand.


LOTUS - There is little need to deconstruct the BJP, because they are pretty good at it themselves (like they demonstrated in Ayodhya). But let's try anyway. The BJP uses the Lotus as a symbol - A desperate plea for power that goes, "Lotus rule. Please Lotus rule." They have been attempting to polarize the majority against the minorities. Simply because there are a LOTofUS. Organizations like the RSS, VHP & Bajrang Dal are the leaves of this Lotus, that seem detached on the surface, but are strongly connected at the root. Like the flower, they thrive in murky ponds but try to come out looking good. These days they are into the Swadeshi trip which is surprising, what with their symbol being a Corolla. They might find it difficult to win, because a lot of people consider them to be a bunch of old Phools. 


ELEPHANT - The elephant is the symbol of BSP. The animal is sometimes called pachyderm, which means thick-skinned. It is big, powerful and quite comfortable in jungles. The party is led by Mayawati who is seen to be a hard tuskmaster. She lives up to her symbol. She consumes enormous resources (stored in trunks in her house), remembers every slight, tramples over rivals and generally throws her weight around. The elephant has no natural predators but is quite vulnerable to poaching. Personally, Ivory about our country if the elephant comes to power.


BICYCLE - The SP is symbolized by the bicycle. They hope to affect the balance of power. In this world of cars and planes, the Bicycle is the symbol of those who oppose science & progress in the guise of promoting human labour. The Bicycle usually has only one or two seats. In fact, there's a circus (in UP) where one can see an Elephant riding a Bicycle. Like, the Bicycle, the SP can be bought pretty easily. It is freely available though sometimes expensive. They don't have much hope of coming to power, but they know that. They are just a bunch of pedallers.


HAMMER & SICKLE - The communists are represented by this combination. Both the objects can be used as weapons - a sharp object that can scythe the opposition or a blunt object that can pulverize dissent. Now that Jyothi Basu is too Sickley, Prakash Karat has become the chief Hammer. The symbol is supposed to represent labour & farmers. So the party tries its best to keep the farmers labouring and the labourers, well, labouring. They pretend to be intellectuals (they are well, red) but they rule their state with an iron hand. Poor Bengal. They have a choice between getting hacked and getting nailed.

THE HOPELESS


LANTERN - Symbol of RJD. Useful if one has a shortage of power. Provided it is adequately fuelled. By doing nothing towards progress, the party ensured that every home in Bihar needed their symbol.


ALARM CLOCK - Used by NCP. Ticks along unobtrusively most of the time, but screeches uncontrollably once in five years. A sharp knock on its head should shut it down. Or atleast ensure that they snooze for a while.


RISING SUN - An apt symbol for DMK. Stands for Stalin & Azhagiri, who are the rising suns (of Karunanidhi). In addition Azhagiri is a mafia dawn in Madurai.



TWO LEAVES - The symbol of AIADMK, or more appropriately, of its leader, Jayalalitha. Supposed to indicate that Amma is double the person that other leaders are. After all, Eve needed only one leaf.


WOMAN CARRYING A BUNDLE OF HAY - The Gowda party, JD(S) has this symbol. A symbol of opportunism. The party makes hay while the sun shines and is a great burden on common people. 


FLOWERS - The Trinamool Congress is represented by a flower. It flows from one alliance to the next. Hence a flower. Mortal enemy of the Sickle but usually gets the worse of the exchanges.


Well, that covers most of the buyers and sellers of this election. I only wish that the election commission had allowed this candidate to use a picture of Aishwarya Rai as his symbol. That would have been worth deconstructing. 

Anyway, now that we have arrived at a basic understanding of our parties, we can closely look at the alliances that will soon be formed. In my opinion the Hand will pick up the Alarm Clock, and ride to power on a Cycle (decorated with Flowers), basking in the warmth of the Rising Sun. But the power will be quite useless because there will be a Sickle & Hammer behind their back at all times. While the Lotus fades, the Lantern is extinguished and the Elephant eats the Leaves. And the Poor Woman continues to carry Hay.

Disclaimer : The above analysis has as much truth as the party manifestos. Nevertheless, it has been published only after polling is completed so that the Election Commission doesn't accuse the author of influencing the election. After all, in our country, the voter has to be shielded from the influence of exit polls, debates & issues.  It's called voting in vacuum.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Bharatiya Oscar Awards - Bhaskars

I wonder why we folks are so happy about Slumdog Millionaire winning so many awards. Of course, I love the fact that Rahman finally got some recognition. And Resul Pookutty got a foreign trip. But why are we so ecstatic about the other awards? Isn’t it a bit like Germany celebrating the fact that Schindler’s List swept the Oscars.


Instead, in true swadeshi style, let’s institute our own Bharatiya Oscars – The Bhaskars. After all, in India, drama, action & comedy aren’t confined to the movies. They are played out in glorious 3-D in all aspects of our life. So here is my list for the 2008 Bhaskars.

Best Story – A Deputy CM demonstrates his adherence to the law by falling in love with a former assistant advocate general. Unfortunately he already has a wife. The Hindu lovers become a Muslim couple – Chand Mohammed & Fiza. Once he has got into her Nikaahs, he decides to go back to his first wife. Fiza attempts suicide, accuses him of rape, and his family of occult practices but Chand is unmoved. He divorces her through SMS and she gets a role in a Bollywood movie. For this fascinating saga involving politics, law, love, religion, crime, horror, glamour & technology, the Bhaskar Award for Best Story goes to Chander Mohan a.k.a. Chand Mohammed for “Fiza Ke Liye”.

CONTINUE READING THIS POST...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Rationalizing Government - A Leaner, Meaner Council of Ministers

Warning : This is a long post. But then it is an ambitious task.

Manmohan Singh must be having a tough time priming so many ministers. Take a look at this. As of now there are 49 ministries & 2 departments being handled by him & 38 other ministers. Plus 40 Ministers of State (without independent charge). It’s time to trim. Here is a way to ensure that our cabinet bears less resemblance to a walk-in wardrobe.

1. The Ministry for Women & Child Development will be brought under the Home Ministry, which will then be renamed the Home & Hearth Ministry. After all, Indian Culture says that a woman’s place is in her home. The 'food' portfolio will also be brought under the Home & Hearth ministry, because within home, a woman’s place is specifically in the kitchen. Pramod Muthalik will run this ministry. And given his concerns about youth, the Ministry of Youth Affairs will also come in here. So will the Ministry of Environment & Forests. After all, Muthalik is well versed in jungle law.

2. The Ministry of Health will be merged with the Ministry of Culture as both are about bans & compulsions. Ramadoss remains the ideal man to run this. Consumer Affairs might as well come in here because he anyway keeps poking his nose into it. And Public Grievances will be a good addition as Ramadoss gives a lot of grief to the public. And finally, the Ministry of Statistics because he is, well, mean.

CONTINUE READING THIS POST...

Monday, February 9, 2009

No More Tweets For You

We've been Putting for some time now. And it has been most enjoyable (at least, hic, for me). Anything to do with spirits & conversation usually is.

But writing a blogpost means that I have to hunt high & low and unhealthily scrape the bottom of various barrels to string together a collection of PJs. My fingernails then take some time to grow (before I can start scraping again, I mean).


Enter Twitter. Where a PJ can be sent in solitary splendour, and that too instantaneously, before inconvenient things like scruples & judgment come in the way. 

But then, a problem with Twitter is the lack of interaction. I send my Tweet, and then can only imagine, the groans of unsuspecting readers. 

In the past, I've posted what in my opinion, are the best of my Tweets. But what about the rest? Don't they deserve to be condemned, castigated & censured too? If you can't prick them, how will they bleed?

Which is why I've now started a new blog (or technically speaking - a microblog) where I can post many times a day by simply copy-pasting my twitter updates. 

So if this blog attempts to replicate a reasonably long drink, that one is more a series of shots. Hence the name - Short Puts. (Suggested by advertise_meant).

Do check it out at http://tweets.rameshsrivats.net. And the more comments you leave, the more chance it has, of becoming some sort of wikipedia of PJs. 

And btw, my fingernails have grown quite a bit since the last post in this blog. So I shall be putting a new one soon. Cheers.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Am at my Tweet's End

I solemnly swear that this is the last time I shall cheat by cloaking excerpts from my Twitter updates as a blog post. That's because, from now on, I er... plan to post all my Twitter updates as blog posts. If you anyway follow me on Twitter and want to read only the longer stuff, you can click on the topic - Patiala. Here are excerpts from my Tweets of the last few days -

Bihar cops perform Pujas to reduce crime http://tinyurl.com/9zlycb Good that the cops have stopped preying and started praying.

Microsoft's latest campaign is 'Life without walls' http://tinyurl.com/6sjx3g Er... if there are no walls, why do we need Windows?

ISI training women for terrorism http://tinyurl.com/9eqjaq So, do the women get to play the virgins in paradise?

Art market down by 30% http://tinyurl.com/8e8yer Sigh. A picture is now worth only 700 words.

Manmohan sends greeting cards to Zardari & Gilani http://tinyurl.com/8zwav5 You could call this the Hallmark of his diplomacy.

No more elephants in RD parade http://tinyurl.com/99rul8 Guess our govt. was scared that Shiv Sena would object to the "Pakiderms".

Raju doesn't want to share his cell http://tinyurl.com/9gp7kr So, a criminal company is ok. But the company of criminals is not. Uh?

Mayawati sends Rs.500 to the woman who gave Rahul shelter. After mopping up Rs.12,00,00,000 on her b'day. Trickle down economics in action.

Gardening boosts men's sex-life http://tinyurl.com/8ye8lk Well, that explains the superhigh birthrate of Mali http://tinyurl.com/8zxble

Sourav Ganguly retires from the Bengal Ranji Trophy team. You could say that he has become a non-state player.

I think 'Warner Brothers' should change their name. They never warned us about CC2C.

Raj Thackeray to launch an agitation against Aamir & Shahrukh. He accuses them of maintaining 6-Paks.

Congress says Priya is the political heir of Sunil Dutt http://tinyurl.com/dl57qg Is this what they mean by political "will"?

Vishwakarma sues Slumdog cast on behalf of slum-dwellers http://tinyurl.com/aj2urw What next? Achutanandan suing them on behalf of dogs?

K'taka govt tells temples to perform puja to ward off ill-effects of eclipse http://tinyurl.com/awcdyk Their motto - No work and all pray.

100% literacy programme inaugurated for prisoners in TN http://tinyurl.com/bfp9yr First they get a sentence. Then they are taught words.

Mamata praises Gujarat for being biz-friendly http://tinyurl.com/bz5jt6 That's like Jack the Ripper praising Paris for being safer.

Vijender & Sushil Kumar don't get Padma Shrees but Akshay does. Now we know whose exploits in China are valued.

You can follow me on Twitter here. And the more masochistic among you can choose to receive these updates as SMSs.

Incidentally, this blog now has more than 100 followers, over 500 subscribers, 25,000+ visits and is in the Technorati Top-100,000. Thank you, dear readers, for your tolerance.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

100-word Election Speeches - Part 3

Link to introduction & Part 1.
Link to Part 2.

The elections are getting closer and closer. Parties have made their guest-lists. They are preparing their manifestoes and their bullet-points. People are talking Ram & stocking rum. Old leaders are trying to make news. While new candidates are making old noises. In all this buzz, here are some more suggestions for quick, snappy, speeches.

Sanjay Dutt - Oy there. Vote for me, ok. I want to be PM. My career started in a
Rocky manner. But I soon made a Naam for myself. The Mumbai Blasts were a Kaante in my flesh because people thought I had made our Dushman into my Saajan. So I was called Khalnayak and kept in Kabzaa for possessing Hathyaar. But now I’m back with a Dhamaal. I fail to understand why, just because I’m a movie star, I’ve become the Dutt of all jokes. Believe me, I’m a man of deep conviction – 6 years to be precise. So vote for me and vote for a muscular India. Sanjay ka Haath, Arm Aadmi ke Saath.

CONTINUE READING THIS POST...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Short and Tweet

My love affair with Twitter continues. It is spontaneous. It is easy. It is interactive. And it is addictive. Some more excerpts :

Chhattisgarh government to provide free iodised salt. All the people in that state can now say, "Sarkar, maine aapka namak khaya hai".

A Ghajini video game is to be launched soon. Wonder how much memory it will take.

Hindu says "Over 100 flights delayed in Delhi". PTI says "Flight operations normal in Delhi". I guess, both are right.

Amar Singh calls the UPA government gutless and heartless. Well, I am a champion of less government, but this is not what I meant.

ONGC is participating in the oil strike. Er... weren't they set up to strike oil???

Musharraf says that India should not speak of surgical strikes. I agree. Any such talk and all our surgeons will stop coming to work.

Ramadoss to now make Yoga mandatory in all schools and colleges. Our health minister suffers from an Obsessive Compulsory Disorder.

China blocks 41 porn sites. They now have only about 14,999,959 sites to go.

Mallya says he still hasn't decided if Dravid will continue as the captain of RCB. You could say - he is sitting on the wall.

A google search generates 7g of CO2. Well, one breath we take generates 1g. So let's hold our breath and search.

You can follow my Tweets
here.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Satyam Chairman on Trial

It’s a big day. The courtroom is packed. With journalists, shareholders, programmers & Barkha Dutt. After all, today’s the day when the Satyam Chairman & CEO, B Ramalinga Raju, is in the dock. The judge is looking solemn. The public prosecutor is looking smug. In the background, the national emblem adds gravity to the proceedings. In order to remove any trace of bias, the words “Satyameva Jayate” have been masked so that it reads “eva Jayate”. Ramalinga Raju has taken the oath and the crowd too has been quietly swearing at him. The public prosecutor purposefully walks up to the witness stand.


Public Prosecutor
(gravely courteous) : Would you prefer to remain standing or would you rather sit down?

Ramalinga Raju : Oh, I’ll sit down. This might be a witness stand, but I am a chairman. Heehee.

PP (ignoring the PJ) : You have been accused of serious corporate fraud. Do you plead guilty or not guilty.

RR : Actually, I am golti. But, to answer your question, not guilty.

A startled gasp runs through the courtroom.

CONTINUE READING THIS POST...

Friday, December 26, 2008

Tweeters Never Prosper

As I get ready for an ill-deserved vacation, I've decided to take the easy way out. Some excerpts from my tweets of the last few days.

A stated objection to GM seeds is that they will hurt small farmers because of their high yield. So we'd rather have farmers than food, uh?

Sheila Dikshit takes the oath for the third time. Does that make her the most promising CM around?

HDK says that Ashok Kheny (NICE) has paid off every politician in Karnataka except the Gowda family. Oh. So that's his beef.

Jet Airways Pilot detained at Heathrow for being drunk. So this guy earns from Goyal and spends on Mallya.

Sonam Kapoor to endorse L'Oreal. A natural step after her debut movie Saawariya, which was La-Ordeal.

Mayawati has given new meaning to the term 'party funds'.

Suicide bombers
for sale in Pakistan. Now that could be a booming business. In more ways than one.

Thackeray equates Sena-BJP ties with husband-wife
bickering. Sure. The family that preys together slays together.

Mayawati is going to celebrate her birthday as Dhikkaar Diwas (day of shame). Am sure her parents would agree with that.

Ghajini should do well at the box office. After all, it resonates with today's India - short-term memory loss and all that.


You can follow my tweets here. See you in 2009. Have a great new year bash.